Enough Rain
by wolvesjr34
Summary: Enough Rain is the third in a series following on from Payback and Reckoning. Established Rizzles. It had been one of those days that threatened perfection, and as far as Jane was concerned, it had delivered; rain, interruptions and all. Rizzoli and Isles are the creation of Tess Gerritson, and the incarnations referenced are those brought to life by TNT.
1. Chapter 1: I've Loved You Before

**Chapter One: I've Loved You Before**

_I think of how you know me, no doubts no thinking twice._

_When your smile can be so soothing, a familiar paradise._

_When there's no one else that makes me whole, I am never needing more._

_I get this feeling that I have loved you before_

_\- Melissa Etheridge, "I've Loved You Before" from the album "The Awakening"._

* * *

It had been one of those days that threatened perfection.

Waking up in her new apartment, with Maura sleeping soundly, snuggled into the crook of her arm and shoulder with a delicate arm strewn across her torso was just the beginning for Jane. A simple and yet perfect beginning to the day; every morning that started that way, was perfect as far as Jane was concerned. She wanted to wake up like that every morning for the rest of her life.

It was their one year anniversary of couple hood and they had both agreed that the only gift they required was the others company. Of course Jane had grand plans for the day that would start with a morning trip to Boston's Fine Art Museum, before heading to Fenway for the Red Sox afternoon fixture with the Oakland Athletics. Quid pro quo that she knew Maura would acquiesce to, given the fact that the blonde never seemed to get enough of expanding Jane's cultural horizons. There was also that little thing called mutual love and affection that assured Jane her plan would be welcomed.

As the former detective turned private investigator had suspected, Maura was more than willing to participate in the plans laid out over breakfast, and most importantly, coffee. The medical examiner had even accepted the need to dress to a more casual level for the sake of the afternoon part of their plans. No heels or dress, but rather black stylish designer pants, a deep red silk blouse and black leather boots.

Jane for her part compromised as well, forgoing her Cespedes jersey for one of her comfortable black pant suits that she would normally wear to work; she didn't want to dress down too much given her plans for the end of the evening. Her lack of casualness had been noted by Maura, but Jane was prepared for this, indicating that since the morning's plan included the Fine Arts Museum she didn't think it would be appropriate to rock up in jeans and a baseball jersey.

If Maura had any doubts about what she had been told she hadn't shown it and had welcomed the chance to discuss with Jane the history of American art, with the pair spending some time perusing the works in the Museum of Fine Art's _Art of the America's_ wing. Pleasantly surprising was how attentive Jane was, more so than that, how much her love chose to actively participate in the conversation, even taking the time to ask genuine questions that lacked her usual sarcasm. Yes, even Maura felt that this was one of those days that threatened perfection.

Jane's reward for her attentiveness came at the baseball game, with Maura encouraging her love to partake in the hot dogs, peanuts and soda that added to the experience of an afternoon spent in Fenway Park. Food that would normally cause Maura to launch into a detailed diatribe regarding the lack of nutritional value; but not on this day, on this day she wanted her love to enjoy the game.

For Jane the highlight of the afternoon wasn't the food, or the result, which fortuitously went the way of the Red Sox, with a walk off single in the bottom of the ninth being the deciding factor. It hadn't even been her amazing luck to catch a home run hit by clean up hitter Yeonis Cespedes during the middle innings; no for Jane the highlight was the congratulatory kiss that Maura had planted on her, right when the cameras were on them. A beautiful moment captured in time and at home on the DVR; a moment that she knew she would probably re watch repeatedly.

They had left Fenway hand in hand late in the afternoon and found a quaint diner, which actually had suitable food options on the menu for both women. Maura had been pleasantly surprised by the quality of the salad she had ordered and continued to bite her tongue as she watched her beloved shovel down a cheeseburger and fries. Apparently watching baseball was a hunger driving force for the private investigator.

Every time their eyes met over dinner both women couldn't help but smile, the day's outings were going to end soon and while Maura lamented this briefly, she had a feeling that the evening's activities would be even more entertaining, and a lot more interactive for the pair. She couldn't help but to tease Jane with a few sultry and suggestive looks that made it very clear – _you're so getting lucky tonight Rizzoli._

"While I get this feeling you're in a hurry to get home Maur, would you mind so much if we were to take a stroll through the park?" Jane's words were a combination of playful and sincere; acknowledging of the flirtation, but determined to finish the day off the right way.

"Well, we do have all night for other physical activities," a suggestive eyebrow wiggled before she continued, "So a walk in the park sounds lovely."

Jane groaned, it had been going so well, but now the medical examiner had made the age old error of acknowledging the time they should have to enjoy each others company. Somebody was going to die unceremoniously and her girlfriend was going to be called into work and neither of them would have the heart to make the homicide team work with Doctor Pyke. "What did I tell ya about not getting too far ahead of ourselves?" Her tone remained playful despite the thoughts of impending suspicious deaths bringing an early end to the evening.

"Don't be so superstitious Jane. Somebody isn't going to be murdered just because I mentioned partaking in activities later this evening." Maura couldn't help but shake her head at her girlfriend.

"You're right; they won't be murdered because you said that. They'll just be found!" Jane laughed, "Oh well, let's not dwell." She signalled for their waitress to bring the bill, which she paid, ignoring Maura's attempt to contribute. "It's on me tonight Maur."

Maura took the hand offered her when they hit the streets, walking side by side towards the park. "You know Jane; it really has been the best day."

"Mmhmm," Jane's thoughts were wandering as she looked up to see a sudden summer storm beginning to roll in, the warmth of the day was still present, but as the sun would soon be down, she hoped the rain would hold off long enough. Absently her free hand felt her pocket to double check that the culmination of their day was where it should be, and it was.

The noise and differing colours of the streets made way into a beautiful expanse of green and dying sunlight being forced away earlier by the angry storm clouds. And then, as if to make a point, the sky opened up.

"Perhaps I should have watched my tongue Jane; it isn't murder that will bring our evening to an end, but precipitation." She stopped walking when she realised that Jane had stopped and appeared to be lost in her thoughts. Turning to face her girlfriend Maura reached out and took both hands in hers, "Jane?"

For Jane it was the realisation that if she didn't make the move now, she might not find another moment that felt right to do it. So she took off her blazer, slipping the item in the pocket secretively into her hand, and then wrapped the blazer around Maura, who hadn't worn a jacket for the day. She didn't want her love to catch a cold, although by this time, the rain had done its job in flattening and soaking her love's golden locks. Hazel eyes stared back at her expectantly. "Yeah," her throat suddenly felt very dry.

"Are you alright?"

"Never better Maur, really." A smile pushed its way effervescently onto her face, "I know it's raining and we should get under cover, but, just give me a moment."

Curiosity piqued Maura nodded consent.

"I had this really big speech planned you know, all these heartfelt things I wanted to say, and now, this damned rain," Jane laughed nervously, then with as much grace as her gangly limbs would allow Jane dropped down on to one knee and held out a black felt box, opened to show an elegant platinum engagement band. "You fit so well with me Maura; I must have loved you before, in another life time – marry me?"

The moment Jane had started to speak the scientific side of Maura had shut down and her intuition had screamed at her so loudly that she couldn't ignore that she knew exactly what Jane was about to ask, before she had even asked. Yet Maura stood unintentionally holding her breath as Jane's profession of love culminated with the big question and then she stood some more, the shock of the proposal delaying the thought process in her brain. It had only been seconds, but it was seconds of silence and Jane's eyes were starting to look desperate.

Finally gaining control of her brain power Maura was about to answer, when the shrill ring of Jane's phone followed by her own broke the silence. In spite of the circumstances both women did what they always did.

"Rizzoli," Jane barked, pissed off by the interruption.

"Isles." Maura's eyes never left Jane, while she listened to the details of the call out. After both calls had ended she spoke softly, "Jane?"

"Yeah?" part of the private investigator had already begun to retreat and as such her response was a little gruff.

"Yes I'll marry you."

It had been one of those days that threatened perfection, and as far as Jane was concerned, it had delivered; rain, interruptions and all.


	2. Chapter 2: The Body

**A/N: Thank you to all who are reading, reviewing and following. I appreciate you all very much.**

* * *

**Chapter Two: The Body.**

_When she had first started working at Framingham, Prison Officer Catherine Etheridge was warned about Jane Rizzoli; an ex-cop who dripped sarcasm when she wasn't busy baiting guards and inmates alike into verbal or physical stoushes; although the former detective never fought back. Catherine had the suspicion that it was just a proud woman refusing to back down. Rizzoli just wanted to feel something, anything._

_It was after one such occasion where Jane had copped a hiding from several inmates that Catherine had a chance to really get to know the tall raven haired Italian woman. She had escorted Jane to the prison hospital wing for treatment for her injuries. She hadn't said too much while the prison doctor was stitching up the cut above Jane's eye; but when he excused himself to take an important phone call she decided to speak up._

_ "__So Rizzoli, what's your excuse this time?"_

_Jane's eyes darted from the wall she had been staring at to this woman who couldn't have been more than 25 years-old. "I can't help that I am so damn popular."_

_ "__Why are you always picking fights and then not even fighting back?" Catherine's pale blue eyes showed her concern at behaviour that may only get the ex-cop killed if it continued._

_Jane took a moment to really look at this prison officer; she was a little shorter than Jane with short brown hair and a solid athletic build. Her eyes told a tale of someone who had experienced a lot in their short life, and also expressed genuine empathy. This caused Jane to relent a little from the normal defensive attitude she would present, "I'm safer in isolation."_

_ "__So you pick fights to be put there?" Catherine frowned, "Perhaps if you didn't start the fights in the first place?"_

_Jane rolled her eyes and exhaled in an exasperated manner. It had only taken a minute for the woman to ask ridiculously stupid questions. "How damn new are you?"_

_The prison officer shifted uncomfortably but felt compelled to answer, "This is my second month on the job."_

_ "__Right." Jane returned her gaze to the institutional grey of the wall. She didn't feel like introducing the rookie into the lay of the land because it was all she could do to keep sane, without feeling responsible for destroying a young PO's view on her workplace._

_ "__So I have a lot to learn huh?" She wasn't deterred by the walls she could see the inmate putting up. There was something about Jane Rizzoli that made Catherine want to connect with her._

_ "__Something like that." Her gaze remained steady on the wall as she wondered when the doctor would return to give her the all clear to be taken to isolation; she really just wanted to be alone._

_ "__I'm not the enemy, Rizzoli."_

_ "__I'm a convict, you're a PO. You are the enemy." What she wanted was to stand up, but she was cuffed to the bed that she was sitting on, so standing up wouldn't really be any more comfortable. Her gaze returned to Catherine, who had remained silent, but was clearly taking time to study her. This unnerved Jane, "What?" she growled._

_ "__You're not like the other cons." Her tone was matter-of-fact._

_ "__First lesson rookie, a con is a con. Don't ever forget that." Part of her worried that this PO would make the mistake of trusting the wrong convict, and as much as she tried to pretend she didn't care anymore, the part of her that had wanted to become a police officer to protect people was still very much alive. This rookie was going to get herself killed if she didn't distance herself from the convicts._

_ "__I know that Rizzoli, but you, you're not a normal convict."_

_ "__You say that like you know me, but you don't. You may think you know me, but I assure you what you have heard and read about me doesn't even begin to scratch the surface." Her dark eyes pierced through the rookie, "I can't be trusted."_

_Catherine was about to open her mouth in response but held the words back as the prison doctor returned from his phone call. He signed off on some paperwork and told her that the patient was cleared for being placed into isolation. She escorted Jane to her isolation cell, and while they didn't share any more words, she knew that she needed to know this woman better. It wasn't something she wanted, it was something she needed, and while she couldn't explain it, she just knew that Rizzoli was different._

* * *

Jane yawned and rolled over onto her side, Maura wasn't in the bed; this caused a momentary frown before the Italian remembered that Maura had been called in the night before. _She said yes._ Her lips curled up into a large smile as she remembered that before she had left for her call out, Maura had said yes. Her eyes fell onto the alarm clock, it was early; she frowned again. Maura must have been and gone already.

Recognising that sleep at this point was not going to return, Jane grumpily climbed out of bed and shuffled her way to the kitchen. First order of business was coffee and then she would call Maura to find out what was happening. When the coffee was ready she took her mug and wandered past the island down onto the dining room hardwood and over to the balcony window. It was still dark out, but the lights of the city around her provided some comfort. She loved Boston.

Jane stood for a good ten minutes soaking in the view and consuming her coffee before the shrill of her phone dragged her out of her reverie. It wasn't even six thirty, so she hoped the call was from Maura and not one of the partners of the law firm she worked for. She retreated to the kitchen island and answered her phone, "Rizzoli."

_"__Jane, it's me."_

"Morning babe," she couldn't help the term of endearment, even though she knew Maura disliked the use of them. She was just too damn happy to care.

_"__I need you to come to the morgue."_

There was something about the tone of Maura's voice that filled the private investigator with concern, "What's going on Maur?"

_"__Please do this for me. I've already alerted Stevens that you will be in, he will let you through."_

"I'll be there in thirty." Jane knew that whatever had gotten to Maura was serious, because they had agreed that Jane wouldn't go back to the Boston Police Department Headquarters; because it hurt too damn much to think of the career she had lost. She had returned on a couple of occasions, mostly out of need to confront demons, but she had learned that those demons didn't want to be quelled, they needed to be ignored. Still, regardless of the emotional discomfort she knew would fight its way into her consciousness, Maura needed her, she just had no idea why. It didn't matter.

* * *

Just as she had indicated during their phone conversation Jane walked into Maura's office thirty minutes later. She was about to speak when she noticed the medical examiner was clearly in a different world, lost in thought. The look on her face didn't provide Jane with any comfortable feelings; it was borderline mortifying. Regathering herself she spoke up, "Maur, honey, what's wrong?"

Maura looked up and made eye contact with her fiancée, "There was a riot at Framingham last night." She closed her eyes; she couldn't look at Jane, not with what she had to explain. She shouldn't even really be telling Jane about an active investigation, but the circumstances required it. "An inmate and a prison officer were both killed."

Jane's heart immediately leapt out of her chest as she remembered Catherine, the prison officer who had saved her from herself on too many occasions. She swallowed back her fear and forced an impassive look to her features, Maura didn't know about Catherine so that wasn't why she was there. Still she worried. "What's going on Maura, why are you telling me about an active investigation?"

Maura opened her eyes then and stood, motioning for Jane to follow her through to the autopsy room. She couldn't really bring herself to say the words, nor could she really try and proffer an explanation. This was something she had to show Jane, and hope that she would understand.

Jane cautiously followed Maura and stopped beside the gurney and watched with trepidation as the medical examiner pulled back the sheet to expose the face of the victim. She looked from the victim to Maura and back again, she knew this victim and she knew that Maura knew her, intimately. "Rossi," the name fell from her lips and the understanding also. She swept Maura up into her arms and held her close, "I'm sorry."

Valentina Rossi may have turned into a crazed maniac and nearly killed her during that rage, but Jane knew that she had once taken care of Maura when there had been no one else to do it. She knew her fiancée was going to feel grief over this loss, even if she had never wanted to see the woman again. As such she understood why Maura had asked her to come down to the morgue. She was not going to be able to verbalise those feelings; she was probably half afraid to do so. She pulled herself to arms length and made sure she had Maura's attention before continuing, "You shouldn't be doing the autopsy Maur, it's too much."

Fighting back the tears that she didn't really want to shed, Maura straightened out and said, "I owe her this much."

Jane nodded slowly, "Okay. You just let me know if you need anything."

"Thank you Jane," she paused for a moment, "I love you."

The Italian pulled her gorgeous blonde into another fierce hug, "Love you too Maur."


	3. Chapter 3: Cate

**Chapter Three: Cate.**

_Catherine watched with great apprehension from across the general visiting area; her eyes sifted through several civilians visiting with inmates before landing on Jane and her visitor. She knew that the petite blonde, wearing designer heels and outfit was the woman that Jane loved; but their interaction was clearly strained._

_She had spent time during the previous six months getting to know the ex-cop, a little surprised that she had been able to wear down her defences, but nonetheless grateful; especially now that she could see Jane's heart was breaking. The blonde had signalled to another of the guards that she was ready to leave, and Jane sat clearly defeated, with tears streaming down her face. The blonde never even looked back and Catherine realised this irked her greatly. Jane deserved better than that._

_Without thinking she crossed the room and indicated to Officer Spencer that she would return Jane to her cell. She led Jane out of the visitors centre and back into the depths of the prison. She didn't say anything; she just kept a supportive hand on the convict's arm._

_Emotion wracked Jane's body, and while she tried to contain the tears now that she was alone with the prison officer, she couldn't. She became so wrought as to falter and stumble a little as all strength drained from her legs, her knees failing her._

_Catherine reached out instinctively, wrapping an arm around the inmate and supporting her weight. "It's alright, I got you."_

_The independent woman in Jane wanted to break away from the supportive arm, but she was too broken. She had just pushed Maura away and she was worried that maybe this time she had finally gone and given the love of her life a reason to give up. She braced herself against the wall for a moment, appreciative that the rookie hadn't forced her to keep moving; she just needed a moment to compose herself. Finally she turned to look into pale blue eyes, "Thank you."_

_Catherine couldn't help the smile that spread across her features, "You're more than welcome Rizzoli."_

_"__Jane, call me Jane." It was the first time that she had allowed herself to be that comfortable with the prison officer. They had always kept it professional, well as professional as a friendship between a convict and prison officer could be. She had always been Rizzoli to the rookie, and for the first time, Jane didn't want to be Rizzoli anymore, she just wanted to be Jane._

_Catherine didn't say anything to that to begin with, she just followed the convict's cue as they started moving again, finally coming to a stop outside the cell that Jane occupied. "You still have some yard time, if you would prefer? I just figured you'd want some alone time before your cellmate returned."_

_"__Thanks, you're right. I just want to be alone right now." She waited patiently for the PO to unlock the door to her cell, before backing in, keeping her eye on the guard. "You should have cuffed me, you know that right?"_

_Catherine laughed, "Yeah I should have." She paused for a moment considering her thoughts carefully, "I just didn't think you needed that experience, not after what happened. I trust you Jane." The convict's Christian name felt strange rolling off her tongue, but she suspected she would get used to it._

_"__Don't." Her dark eyes had narrowed and her features had tightened, as she remembered her place in the system. "I'm just another convict, rookie." _

_Not at all perturbed by the convicts change in demeanour having experienced it many times before Catherine smiled, "I'm not a rookie anymore Jane. Call me Cate."_

_"__Whatever you say, rook." Jane turned then and sauntered over to her bunk, unceremoniously dumping herself down on to the uncomfortable bed. The conversation was over as far as she was concerned. Her eyes fluttered closed as she tried to push the memories of the hurt on Maura's face far from her mind. It didn't work, worse than that she realised that she hadn't heard her cell door close._

_Catherine sat down on the bunk beside Jane. She wasn't really sure what had caused her to do so, and she knew that her absence was going to be noticed, but she just felt drawn to the Italian. "Do you want to talk about it?"_

_With an exasperated sigh the convict sat up, so that she was sitting side by side with the prison officer. She stared at the wall, "There's nothing to talk about."_

_"__Are you going to be starting more fights?" She knew that she didn't need to explain where the question came from. While she finally understood that Jane was a target thanks to Paddy Doyle, she also knew that Jane had decided getting into fights she could see coming was a better idea than to be ambushed. It had taken her months to drag that information from Jane, and now she worried that Jane might be ready to lash out again._

_"__Probably." Her teeth gritted as she scolded herself for falling into the trap of talking to the rookie once again. Catherine had a way of breaking down her defences and it was incredibly irritating when she became aware of what was happening._

_"__Is she really worth your life?" The question had come from a place of genuine concern but when Jane turned to look at her she realised she had crossed a line._

_"__She is everything." Maura was everything and she had pushed her away. Jane felt the rage building, she really wanted to hit something and she had every intention of standing to punch the wall, but a gentle hand on her arm caused her to stop._

_"__Then you need to look after yourself. You have what, eighteen months to go? Don't take yourself from her. Don't make her have to live life without you, if she really is everything." It had occurred to Catherine that the answer to quelling Jane's rage was the love she had for the blonde._

_"__Maura."_

_"__Sorry?"_

_"__Her name is Maura."_

_Catherine smiled, "She has a beautiful name."_

_"__Yes she does." Jane glanced down at the hand still on her arm and back up to the prison officer, "Paddy Doyle is her father."_

_"__Oh." The prison officer sighed. What a complicated life Jane had to lead. Suddenly realising that her hand still resided on Jane's arm she let go her grip and made a move to the exit, she had definitely been away from her post too long. "Look after yourself Jane."_

_ "__I'll try," she watched as the cell door was locked and the prison officer walked away, "Cate."_

* * *

Jane had wanted to stay with Maura to provide support if she needed it during the process of performing the autopsy on Rossi, but Maura had insisted that Jane go to work, she couldn't be missing time because of the woman who had already taken so much from them. She had insisted and Jane had given in, because when Maura wanted something the Italian had no choice but to deliver. Plus if she was honest with herself she didn't really want to be spending time with the body of the woman who had nearly killed her. Never mind the constant desire to ask Maura about the guard who had been killed; that was a can of worms she hadn't wanted to open.

Still Jane couldn't resist prying the can open a little on her own; she sat alone in one of the conference rooms at _Johnson, Sloane and Cooke_ a phone number on a piece of paper in front of her and her phone in one hand.

She had been left alone following the meeting with a client where Jane had provided some interesting intelligence on the infidelity of the man divorcing their client. As usual the lawyers had been impressed, not to mention the client who was fighting against a prenuptial agreement that would leave her virtually penniless; well it would have if her soon to be ex-husband hadn't broken the terms by cheating.

Jane had been sitting alone for ten minutes staring at the number she had dug out of the dark recesses of her wallet, a number she had never thought she would have reason to call. Her thoughts darkened as she realised she had to choose between a need to know if Catherine was okay and being able to continue to block out a history she would rather not share with Maura. It was too late. She should have mentioned Catherine when they had first decided to try again; she should have, but she hadn't and now she was torn. She should have mentioned her before she proposed. She really should have and she knew it. She sighed. She couldn't mention her now, not with all the grief Maura would be dealing with over Rossi. She really hated that woman.

Jane tapped the number into her phone and pressed call, bringing the phone to her ear she listened as the call went to voice mail. "Hey rookie, I know I told you I would probably never call you and I don't blame you if you don't wanna hear from me… but I heard about the riot. Just let me know you're okay." She ended the call. Can of worms well and truly opened.


	4. Chapter 4: Instinct

**A/N: Just want to continue to give my thanks to those reading. Two updates in one day, because I felt inspired. Hope you enjoy, and please feel free to tell me what you are thinking. Reviews always inspire.**

* * *

**Chapter Four: Instinct.**

_Jane had been in the middle of a game of basketball in the yard when she realised something was wrong. Having backed down her opponent and spun around her for the easy layup her eyes had fallen on Catherine who was keeping an eye on things outside, another guard who should have been walking with her had stopped to talk to an inmate._

_Instinctively Jane walked away from the game and tried to make up the distance between her and the prison officer; something didn't feel right. Another glance at the male officer who should have been with Catherine gave Jane a seriously bad feeling. He was standing hands on hips just watching as the rookie walked the yard; like he was waiting for something to happen._

_Her eyes searched all around and then the entire world slowed down as she realised that one of the women had a shiv hidden behind her back as she approached Catherine. A guttural yell of, "Cate," escaped her lips as she sprinted over to the inmate who was just pulling the shiv forward to lunge at the prison officer. Jane kicked at the back of the woman's knee forcing her to fall to the ground, the shiv skidding away from her hands. Then everything sped up again and Jane was on top of the woman flailing punches angrily, until she felt herself being dragged away from the woman who had intended to injure if not kill Catherine._

_"__Get off me," she growled as she continued to struggle, a blind rage having overcome her._

_The arms pulled her in tighter and Catherine whispered in her ear, "Calm down Jane. It's over."_

_By this time the male officer had no choice but to rush over to the scene, where he picked up the shiv and looked questioningly at Jane and Catherine, "What happened?"_

_Jane glared at him angrily, "You know exactly what happened."_

_Ignoring the possible implications to what Jane had said Catherine answered the question, "O'Rourke apparently was about to stab me with that shiv. Rizzoli was just defending me."_

_Jane wasn't sure how the rookie had managed to stay so calm; she feared it was because she didn't understand the full nature of what had happened. She wanted to say more, but instead she just glared silently at Officer Fallon._

_"__Can you be so sure the shiv wasn't Rizzoli's?" He was clearly pissed that the inmate had dare imply he had any part in what had just happened._

_"__I'm sure." Catherine looked down at O'Rourke who was starting to get to her feet, "Take O'Rourke to see the doc, I'll take Rizzoli back to her cell." Without waiting for an answer she started pushing Jane away from the situation and back towards her cell block._

_When they were alone in Jane's cell Catherine finally allowed the emotion of the event that had unfolded release via tears and uncontrollable shaking. She collapsed into Jane's arms as the convict knew that human comfort was necessary at that point and was more than willing to provide that support._

_Jane rubbed the prison officer's back gently, trying to soothe the woman. "It's okay. You're okay."_

_Stepping back from the embrace Catherine's eyes and hands went to Jane's now bruised knuckles. Her fingers lightly rubbed over the injury as her eyes moved back to the dark orbs that seemed to be questioning everything. She wondered if Jane felt the spark that she had as her fingers grazed tender knuckles. She let go of Jane's hand and took another step back, whatever that spark was, it was something that needed to be ignored. "You saved me."_

_Jane ignored the sentiment behind the statement more concerned with the reality of the situation. "Fallon was in on it Cate. Please tell me you can see that?"_

_"__You're telling me he was, so I'll trust you on that one." She sighed knowing that there was nothing she could do about it as it was all rather circumstantial. All she could do was be extra vigilant and figure out exactly what she had done to put herself in a situation to become a target and then hopefully extricate herself from said situation._

_Jane didn't like the look of resignation she could see in the rookie's eyes and she didn't like the sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach. There were only so many reasons a guard would stand by and watch while another guard was attacked, and none of them were pleasant. "You need to distance yourself from me Cate." _

_"__What?" Catherine was surprised by how much those words had hurt, and confused as to why they had been said in the first place._

_"__It's gotta be Doyle. Fallon is probably on his payroll and trust me, that man does not want me to have a moment of peace. You've been too protective of me rook, you need to back off and let me take my beatings like a big girl."_

_The rookie shook her head in the negative, "I'm not going to stop doing my job Jane. If I see you in trouble I'm stopping it, that's what I am paid to do."_

_Jane sighed, "Doyle doesn't want me dead. I'd be dead already if he did; he just wants my life to be hell." She watched inquisitively as a fresh bout of tears started rolling down the rookie's cheeks. Instinctively she reached out and wiped them away with her thumbs, before realising that her instinct had caused her to cross into a completely unacceptable moment of intimacy._

_Catherine reached up and pulled both hands back down in between the pair, that spark had returned and while she wanted to push it away, she couldn't. She exhaled slowly and looked up from the hands she held into the piercing dark eyes that seemed to be warning her against speaking. She ignored the warning, "Jane…"_

_"__Don't!" Jane said harshly, pulling her hands away from the prison officer. "You need to leave, and you need to stop looking out for me." Her voice was cold and determined, because what she saw in those pale blue eyes looking back at her was more than she could handle. "Just go."_

* * *

It had been a long day for Maura, and now she was finally home internally begging for relaxation she couldn't, because Jane insisted on pacing back and forth in front of her. Her fiancée was clearly bothered by something, but also not ready to discuss it. "Jane?"

"Hmm… what?" The Italian stopped pacing and turned to face Maura, who was curled up on the couch clearly concerned.

"Are you alright?" She worried that Jane was upset about her reaction to Valentina Rossi's death; in fact that had been her greatest cause of concern the whole day while at work.

"I'm fine." She studied Maura's features and posture for a few moments, "You?"

Maura really wished she could lie in that moment; wished that it wouldn't risk her going vasovagel or breaking out in hives, because she really didn't want to cause Jane any hurt. So she stayed silent. She couldn't tell Jane that she was wracked with grief for her psychopathic ex lover.

Jane knelt down in front of Maura and placed a comforting hand on her knee, "It's okay you know. I understand. She was there for you when I wasn't." And she hated that fact; hated that she had pushed the love of her life into the arms of another woman, but that wasn't Maura's fault.

Maura tugged at Jane's hand until the taller woman gave in and sat down on the couch with her love. She curled into Jane's side, grateful for the warmth of her arm around her. "I'm sorry," she managed to whisper as her body finally gave into the grief she had been feeling; tears worked their way rapidly down her face onto her fiancée's side.

Jane made sure to wrap her arm tightly around the blonde. She placed several tender kisses on top of her head and whispered, "It's okay. Just let it out. I'm not going anywhere." It broke her heart to see the woman she loved in so much pain and for the first time she truly comprehended the pain she had put her through with all of her own near death experiences.

As she continued to hold her love Jane's mind flashed back through those time's she had nearly been lost; her encounters with Hoyt, when she had shot herself, when she had been shot by the hitman trying to kill Tasha and perhaps worst of all, when she had jumped into the mouth of the Charles River after Paul. Although she surmised the situation with Rossi had truly been the worst of it all, having been forced to try and make Maura think she was suicidal. She shuddered as she recalled that evening in vivid detail. She never thought she would be glad anyone other than Hoyt was dead, but she knew deep down, she was glad that Rossi was dead.

Maura felt Jane's arm grow tense around her and this caused her to tilt her head so she could look at Jane's eyes; they were so hard it caused an involuntary reflex geared towards retreat. The medical examiner shrugged out of her fiancée's grasp and sat up straight. "I'm going to take a bath."

Jane stared after her as she disappeared up the stairs, debating whether she should follow after her or give her some space; eventually deciding to just let her go. Feeling heavy from her thoughts she rose to her feet and walked over to the fridge and pulled out a beer. Popping the top she chugged it down quickly; then grabbed another and returned to the couch she had been sitting on. Her mind wandered back to Catherine, whom she had yet to hear from. She tried to analyse why it bothered her so much, but couldn't because every time she would just keep being drawn back to the fact that Maura had no idea who the woman was, and she should.

A sigh escaped Jane's lips as she pulled her phone out of her pocket and checked to see if she had missed any messages, but she hadn't. She supposed she couldn't blame Catherine for not returning her call, not given what had happened between them. Resigning herself to a potentially restless night she had decided it best if she focused on playing the supportive fiancée rather than the distant one.

She was half way up the stairs when her phone rang, glancing down she saw that it said unknown caller, almost reluctantly she answered, "Rizzoli."


	5. Chapter 5: An Unusual Kiss

**A/N: And let the backlash begin. Remember guys, I'm an angst writer.**

* * *

**Chapter Five: An Unusual Kiss**

_An unexpected punch to the face preceded two sets of arms holding her back while the punches flew repeatedly into her gut until she doubled over not being able to fall to the ground until the hands shoved her down hard. O'Rourke knelt down beside Jane and whispered in her ear, "Doyle sends his regards."_

_Jane spat at the Irish woman who had so willingly passed along Doyle's message. Looking up, with blood from the initial surprise attack, dripping from her lip she grinned maniacally, "Is that all you got?"_

_Pausing for a moment as if to consider her options the wild O'Rourke smirked, content that the real damage was about to be done with a simple revelation. "Your precious little doctor has got herself a girlfriend, Rizzoli. So why don't you do us all a favour and just end it huh?" She laughed manically as she stalked out of the bathroom, her cohorts following in close pursuit._

_O'Rourke had been right. The revelation broke Jane; she curled up into the foetal position, barely registering the physical pain while tears streamed down her face as she sobbed for her love. She didn't know how she was supposed to live knowing that Maura had given up on her._

_Minutes passed before Jane felt familiar hands trying to help her up. Blinking away tears she looked at Catherine, "Help me," her voice cracked._

_"__That's what I'm tryin' to do Jane." She finally got the woman on her feet and tried to search darkened eyes for answers, but they were filled with so much pain that she had to look away._

_Jane leaned on the prison officer and continued with the plea she had been trying to make, "Help me end it."_

_"__No." She was calm but forceful. It was apparent to Catherine that Jane was suffering from more than a beating and she wasn't about to let Jane give up on herself. "I'm taking you to see the doc, and then we're going to have a chat."_

_After ensuring there was no permanent damage and having the cut on Jane's lip dealt with Catherine had sought and received permission from the doctor to use his office for a private conversation with the inmate. The prison officer now sat with the convict on an uncomfortable couch, which seemed entirely out of place. She shuddered to think what the couch was really for, as snippets of the doctor's proclivities that had been shared on the gossip train filtered into her mind._

_Jane spent the time that the rookie was clearly trapped in thought looking around for something that she could use to end her miserable existence. Unfortunately the doctor kept a very tidy office, with all potential weapons locked away. There wasn't even a ballpoint pen on his desk. She sighed and finally met the enquiring gaze of the prison officer. "Don't look at me like that."_

_"__Like what?" Although she suspected she knew the feelings she had for the inmate were no longer hidden in the deepest recesses of her eyes. She had tried so hard to fight the attraction, but there had always been something about Jane Rizzoli._

_"__Like I'm the best thing since sliced bread." She looked away; she hated seeing the affection in the rookie's eyes. It was such a bad idea on so many levels. She decided to change the subject. "Apparently Maura is seeing someone."_

_"__I'm sorry Jane." She hated seeing the ex-cop in so much turmoil, and she worried greatly that she would continue to search for ways to commit suicide. "But you have so much to live for; don't give up on yourself, please." She hadn't meant to beg, but she realised it had sounded exactly like that._

_"__What do I have to live for Rook? Nothin'. There's nothin' waiting for me when I get outta here now. No career. No Maura." She tried to blink away the fresh bout of tears that threatened, to no avail._

_She knew she shouldn't, but she couldn't stand it any longer. Catherine cupped Jane's face in her hands, using her thumbs to wipe the tears away. Looking into darkened eyes she realised that she wasn't the only one that felt the spark her touch created. "There's me," and without hesitation she leaned in and pressed her lips against Jane's, and while for a moment she thought she was going to be rejected, lips parted and invited her tongue inside to play._

_Jane kissed back with a fierceness she didn't know she had, until common sense overwhelmed her senses, forcing her to pull away. "We can't. This is wrong on so many levels. You could lose your job over this Cate."_

_"__Only if you tell." She trusted Jane, and she knew regardless of what happened next the convict wasn't going to report her._

_"__Or if we get caught…" the reply disappeared into the ether as Jane pulled the officer into her for another kiss._

* * *

For what felt like an eternity there was silence on the other end of the line. Finally unable to take it any further Jane spoke again, "Is that you rookie?"

_"__I wasn't going to call you. I told myself I wasn't going to call you."_

Jane exhaled and felt the tenseness in her body fall away; she hadn't realised she had been holding her breath while waiting to get an answer. "Are you okay? Were you hurt?"

_"__No, Jane. I was rostered off last night."_

Jane leaned back against the wall, contemplating all the things that she should and shouldn't say. Now that she was finally speaking to Catherine for the first time in over a year she felt overwhelmed. She felt like a jerk.

_"__Was there anything else, Jane?"_

"Who was the PO that was taken out?" The detective in her would never really disappear.

_"__Fallon."_

"Oh." Jane deflated upon hearing the name. She slid down the wall so that she was sitting across the stairs, knees drawn up into her chest. If the two victims were Fallon and Rossi she had no doubt in her mind that the riot had only been a cover for a hit ordered on Rossi and Fallon had received more than he bargained on when trying to carry out Patrick Doyle's orders. She worried what this revelation would do to Maura.

_"__Got what he deserved."_

Jane sighed. Fallon may have been on Doyle's payroll, but at least Catherine was aware of that. Now someone new would step in to fill the breach and the prison officer would be none the wiser. "Be careful Cate."

_"__It's not your job to worry about me Jane… not anymore."_

"I'm sorry…"

_"__Don't. I can't rehash this Jane, I can't. Please, just let me go. Please don't call me again."_

Those words hit Jane in a place she hadn't anticipated; her gut churned and she closed her eyes. "Take care of yourself rookie." She couldn't bring herself to say goodbye.

_"__Goodbye, Jane."_

And like that the conversation was over. Jane sat for several minutes just letting the conversation reverberate around in her head. She realised she had missed Catherine and she hated herself for feeling that way; she had no right, not with how she had left it, and not now that she was engaged to marry the love of her life. She had no right.

Finally able to drag herself out of her thoughts she stood and clambered up the rest of the stairs. When she pushed open the door into Maura's bedroom she realised that her phone conversation hadn't been a completely private one.

Maura sat, on her bed, hands in lap, clearly waiting for her fiancée to find her. "Who is Cate?" She inquired meekly.

If the earth wanted to open up and swallow her whole in that moment, Jane would have welcomed it; instead she forced herself to sit down next to Maura and wrap a comforting arm around her. This was not a time for half truths, this was a time for honesty and it petrified her. "A PO from Framingham, I was worried about her after what you told me this morning."

"Oh Jane, I am so sorry, I didn't even stop to think that maybe you knew the guard. I should have checked with you." Maura had relaxed substantially at the explanation, and she felt bad for not being thoughtful enough during the ordeal.

Jane jumped on the out she had been given, her phone call had intimated nothing different and it really wasn't the best time to be revealing secrets. Maura was already distraught enough. "It's okay; you've had a lot on your mind. I didn't want to put you in a position of revealing more details from an active investigation." Jane was pretty sure she was going to go to hell for lying to Maura. "Did you draw your bath?"

"No."

"Did you want me to go and draw it for you now?"

"No. Just keep holding me, please?"

"Always."


	6. Chapter 6: Rage

**A/N: Apologies this has taken me a few days to update, just had a lot of things swirling around in my brain and silly one shots were al I could manage. I am thankful for all who choose to read and review. Please tell me what you think.**

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**Chapter Six: Rage.**

Jane had been quite right about her assessment that her sleep would be restless. Try as she may she struggled to find any consistency in sleep, she tossed and turned and when she did sleep she dreamed.

_It wasn't something she had intended, but the moment she saw the smarmy grin on the face of O'Rourke rage overwhelmed her. She couldn't stand the smug face any longer so she grabbed the woman by her hair and swung her around into the wall. The satisfying sound of the air escaping the Irish woman's lungs preceded a sharp jab and roundhouse to her jaw. _

_"__Tell Paddy I am done being his bitch." She snarled before kneeing the woman in the stomach. Before she could continue her attack she felt her arms being pulled back with surprising strength, given she would recognise that grip anywhere. Catherine was breaking up the fight. _

_She pulled out of the arms that tried to brace her and swung around, raven locks flying about wildly as she glared at the prison officer. "Back off, I'm not finished here."_

_"__You're done." Catherine's voice was cold and calculated._

_She felt rougher hands on her as Officer Fallon arrived on the scene and slapped restraints on her wrists, pushing her aggressively away from the scene of the attack. Her eyes never left Catherine's until she was pushed around a corner and out of site._

Waking from the memory of the incident that had pushed her parole back a year shook Jane to the core. She hadn't dreamed of her time in prison for six months and had thought that she had finally broken free of the anxiety and dread those memories brought back. Her breathing was shallow as her body caught up with the feelings she had experienced in her dream state; the only calming influence she felt was Maura curled up into her body, thankfully still sleeping soundly.

Jane closed her eyes, praying to any deity that would listen to please let her dreams float to some happy place, and not what had happened next.

_Her hands were bloody from pounding so hard on the cell door and her throat scratchy from the constant yelling. She couldn't recall what she had been yelling; she just knew that for the first time the isolation was getting to her. She had given up on the futile attempts at getting and maintaining the attention of any of the guards. Catherine wasn't on duty in the solitary block, so her begging cries went unanswered. She sat pressed up into the corner of the cell, knees drawn to chin, shaking violently._

Jane's eyes opened again and she felt her heart pounding, her pulse resonating loudly in her head. It was just so damn loud in her head. Having adjusted to the dark she turned to look at Maura, who had curled up on the other side of the bed; unintentionally creating distance between them. Jane sighed, rolled over and scooted closer to Maura, wrapping an arm around her she breathed in the scent of her love's hair. She closed her eyes and sought the comfort of sleep once more.

_She buried her face into the prison officer's shoulder as an involuntary shudder shot its way through her body. Her hand hurt, her knuckles bruised from fighting back and pounding on her cell door. Once she had been with Catherine everything had shifted and her apathy had twisted into anger. She hated everything and everyone around her. She hated herself; but she couldn't stop the hunger that threatened to devour her when she was with Catherine. She was an addict clinging to the only thing that brought her release._

_Pulling back a little in the embrace her eager lips found those of the guard; the sensation causing a wave of heat to wash over her body. She needed to lose herself in the rookie; she clawed at clothing and pushed her tongue feverishly deeper. She needed this. She needed Catherine._

An involuntary moan of "Cate," left Jane's lips as once again her eyes snapped open. The sudden clarity of what she had said in the realm between dream and waking caused panic to build in her chest. The panic increased a hundred fold when she realised Maura had turned around and was watching her intently.

Instinctively she went to move the hand still on Maura's side to her cheek, but the blonde grabbed her hand and held it mid movement. "Who is Cate?" The sinking feeling in her gut was undeniable; a gut instinct that troubled her greatly. Jane had lied to her.

Jane was the proverbial deer in headlights and she followed her instinct to run before the truck mowed her down. Extricating her hand from Maura's grasp she rolled out of bed and half stumbled down the stairs in her sleepy haze. It was the worst thing she could do, she knew it, but she couldn't stop herself from doing it. When she reached the kitchen she ripped open the fridge and found a beer. She needed a drink or three before she could return to face the disappointment in her love's eyes.

"Don't you walk away from me!" Maura had followed Jane down the stairs needing an answer to her question and she had no intention of leaving her alone until she had the information she sought. She finished tying up her robe and bore a hole in the back of Jane's head while she waited for the raven haired woman to turn around and face the inquisition.

Jane knew that the longer she remained quiet the guiltier she would look, but for the first time in a very long while she didn't have the words. She turned and winced involuntarily when she saw the hurt in her fiancée's eyes; she knew she had screwed up keeping this secret. "Maura, it's not what you think."

Anger flared in Maura's eyes, "I don't make assumptions Jane and I sure as hell don't know what to think about all of this."

"All of what Maur? I never lied to you; I told you who she was."

Maura crossed the space between them, standing so close that Jane had no choice but to bear witness to the anger and hurt melding into a hurricane of turmoil in her eyes. "So you just moan the name of random prison officers in your sleep?"

Jane was the deer again and this time, Maura was a hunter who had her firmly in her sites. With a sigh she tried to find the perfect words to get her out of this confrontation with her life still intact. "She was more than just a guard, okay? She saved me, pulled me from a darkness that would have consumed me Maura. If it wasn't for Cate, I wouldn't be standing here right now."

Maura's eyes softened a little, but she still had serious reservations. "Is that all?"

Jane shook her head slowly. The truth was going to come out whether she liked it or not, and it was clear that running from it was not going to help things. Suddenly remembering that she was still holding a beer she popped the top and was about to take a sip when Maura pulled it away from her. She sighed, "You're not going to like this."

"I'm not liking that you have kept important things from me Jane, so you're right I am not going to like this; but if you don't tell me the full truth…" her voice trailed off as she couldn't stomach the thought of voicing the depths of her mistrust.

"I slept with her," Jane blurted out, choosing to just rip the bandaid rather than to take her time.

Maura's eyes hardened, "When?

"When I was in prison," pausing to read her fiancée's eyes she hurried to elaborate, "After you had taken up with Rossi." And yet that didn't really seem to help the situation any, her shoulders slumped in defeat. "I should have told you sooner."

"Yes, you should have told me last night when I asked who she was." Maura turned to walk away, pausing when she felt Jane's hand on her arm, "I need to process this Jane."

"I know," her words solemn, "But I should have told you when I got out."

Maura pulled out of the grasp of her fiancée and placed the beer she held down on the kitchen island. "Yes that would have been optimal."

"I love you Maura, you gotta believe that." Jane knew that her fiancée was a reasonable woman, but she knew that this was bad because of the lying and denial rather than the act of being intimate with another woman.

"Apparently so, and yet it's her name you're muttering in your sleep." Her voice was cold and she didn't hang around any longer to continue the conversation. Maura walked back upstairs into her room, locking the door behind her.


	7. Ch:7 I Don't Feel Like Loving You Today

**Chapter Seven: I Don't Feel Like Loving You Today**

_I don't want to talk about last night  
I'm angry and haven't had much sleep  
And I'm so tired and bloodshot  
There ain't no telling what I'd say  
Cause I don't feel like loving you today_

_\- Gretchen Wilson, "I Don't Feel Like Loving You Today" from the album "All Jacked Up"._

It was mid morning when Maura finally unlocked the bedroom door and ventured out into the outer reaches of her home. Wrapped up tightly in her silky robe she ambled downstairs, half expecting to find Jane waiting for her; but there was no sound; no coffee percolating and no breakfast smells. Backtracking she poked her head into the guestroom, but the bed hadn't been slept in, which prompted the realisation that Jane had left after their early morning confrontation.

Returning to the kitchen Maura started making breakfast on automatic pilot; her brain was still sifting through everything she had learned and experienced during the last few days. It had undoubtedly been the most eventful three days of her life and she couldn't begin to fathom the depth of despair building in her stomach. Sitting down at the island with coffee and toast she noticed the folded piece of paper that had been left on the fruit bowl.

She picked up the paper and unfolded it. It was a note from Jane.

_Maura,_

_I know you are angry and that there is a lot to process, so I'm going back to my apartment. I'll be there when you're ready to talk. At least I hope you'll talk to me about this because I don't want to lose you._

_No matter what else you're thinking, please know that I love you truly, madly, and deeply. I'm sorry._

_Jane_

A sad smile etched itself on Maura's face as Jane's last words reminded her of the letter Jane had written confessing her feelings all those years ago. All those years ago before she had to pay for her crime; before she had found Cate. Bitterly Maura ripped up the letter; she just didn't feel like thinking about words she wasn't even sure she could trust.

Sipping absently on her coffee she contemplated the fact that Jane even had an apartment to run away to. She had wanted Jane to move in with her after she had been released from the hospital, and while Jane had temporarily moved in for practicality in health care she had been adamant that she wasn't ready to transition into a permanent arrangement. She needed her own space, at least that is what she had said and Maura found herself questioning the reasoning behind this. She realised that now she questioned everything.

Unable to stomach anymore coffee or toast, despite having only eaten a couple of bites, Maura pushed the cup and plate away from her body. Her engagement band caught her eye, bringing with it a cascade of tears. She fidgeted with the ring while contemplating whether she should be wearing it or if it was best to take it off. Eventually she decided that she wasn't ready to take it off yet, she had to talk to Jane about the glaring trust issue she now had, before making any further decisions about their relationship moving forward.

It was Saturday and she happened to be rostered off, but Maura didn't feel like moping around home, nor did she feel like going out anywhere fun and the last thing she wanted to do was speak to Jane; she still needed time to process that and so she made the only decision she could, she was going to go to work anyway. She figured the crime lab would have the results back from the scrapings from underneath Valentina's fingernails and she hoped that an answer there would help with the closure that she felt she desperately needed to progress through her grief.

* * *

Jane awoke around midday with a thumping headache. After having returned to her apartment she had made quick work of drowning her sorrows; Maura had locked her out of the bedroom and that was a first, a soul debilitating first. She rolled out of bed and stumbled through to her en-suite where she splashed cold water on her face and stared into the mirror.

Her eyes were blood shot and her dark curls unruly, until she pulled them back into a pony tail with a hair tie she took from the sink. She brushed her teeth quickly and gargled mouthwash to remove the taste of stale Irish whiskey from her mouth. She pulled open the medicine cabinet and searched for some aspirin, tossing two back without needing any water.

Shuffling her way back through her room and out into the living room she found her phone on the couch. Jane picked up the phone and slumped down where it had sat and checked her phone history, an audible groan escaping her lips as she realised she had made several drunken calls to Cate. One of which appeared to have been answered as the call timer suggested it had lasted fifteen minutes and had occurred at six am in the morning. "Crap."

"So you're alive then."

Jane almost jumped through the ceiling with how startled she was by the fact she wasn't alone in her apartment. Her head rotated across the room to where Catherine sat, nursing a coffee, eyeing her curiously. "Please tell me I am hallucinating."

A familiar Mid Western laugh put an end to that hope. "You don't remember this morning do you?"

"No?" her tone contained a please-explain-the-details-to-me-especially-the-part-why-you're-here inflection.

"What's the last thing you do remember?"

Shoulders slumped as she rasped her reply; "Maura's eyes. God she was so heartbroken."

"Well obviously what followed that was a bottle of whiskey and then early this morning you kept calling me. I tried to ignore you, but in the end on the third try I gave up and answered." She watched the Italian woman making sure she was following completely before continuing with her story. "I was ready to give you a piece of my mind, but then you were sobbing and apologising and ranting and I just couldn't…"

"Couldn't what?" Jane asked when it became clear that Catherine was reluctant to continue.

"It broke my heart hearing you so clearly defeated again Jane. So I gave in when you begged me to come over." Catherine's voice was tinged with sadness and memories of a past she had fought so hard to put behind her. Aware of the apprehension growing on Jane's face she continued, "Nothing happened Jane, you can relax. I just cut you off and put you to bed."

"Thanks." She watched the prison officer for a few minutes in silence. Neither woman speaking, but rarely dropping eye contact either; finally Jane spoke again, "Why are you still here?"

"Just wanted to make sure you were okay. I was worried you might aspirate vomit in your sleep, so I stayed to keep an eye on you. You drank a lot Jane."

Jane dropped her back on the back of the couch and stared at the ceiling, aside from the roaring headache apparently not being erased by the aspirin she felt emotionally raw and not all of it was because of Maura. Sucking in a deep breath she pulled her head back up and looked at her ex-lover, "I'm sorry you know. I was such an asshole to you."

"Yes, you were." Catherine stood then, and wandered across the room and placed her empty mug on the kitchen island which stood out in the open plan apartment. Turning to look back over to Jane who had swivelled her head following her she said, "Get your shit together Jane cause I don't think I can do this again."

"I'm kinda surprised you managed it this time to be honest."

"Yeah well, I guess it comes with the territory of loving you, Jane." She grabbed her keys and coat from the kitchen island where she had dropped them earlier that morning upon her arrival. "Maybe I'll see you around."

Jane's eyes followed her as she walked out the door but her mind was too busy wrapping itself around the fact that Catherine had said _loving_ and not _loved_. She sighed and clambered off the couch before making her way a little unsteadily back into her bedroom, dropping unceremoniously down onto the mattress face first; she passed out in that exact position.

_But you know I will anyway  
Even though we make it hard sometimes  
I'll wind up forgiving you  
And probably loving you for the rest of my life...  
But I don't feel like loving you today_

_\- Gretchen Wilson, "I Don't Feel Like Loving You Today"._


	8. Chapter 8: In Another's Eyes

**A/N: This is going to be a tough chapter for some of you, just trust me when I say it can only get better from here. Please tell me how you feel, cause if this chapter doesn't make you feel... I failed.**

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**Chapter Eight: In Another's Eyes.**

_In another's eyes  
Starin' back at me  
I see a sinking soul trying desperately  
To turn the tide before it dies  
In another's eyes_

_-Trisha Yearwood, "In Another's Eyes", from the album "Songbook"._

"Get up," Maura tugged on Jane's arm that was hanging off the side of the bed, "Please wake up Jane." She had tried to be patient when she had arrived at Jane's apartment, she had made coffee and spent time basking in the view of the Charles River, but she soon became agitated. She needed to talk to Jane and she was tired of waiting for her fiancée to sleep off an obvious hangover.

Feeling the tug on her arm Jane made an exaggerated attempt at swatting away the annoyance before rolling over onto her back only to find her eyes falling on the semi perturbed Maura. Sitting up quickly and instantly regretting it as pain seared through her temple she husked out a barely audible greeting, "Hey Maur."

"We need to talk," she turned and started walking towards the doorway between the bedroom and open plan living area, "Now."

Jane exhaled slowly and closed her eyes; she was too hung over to have the conversation that Maura was obviously ready to have. She brought a hand to her forehead trying to will the headache away, cognisant of the fact that not only did she need to go out and face whatever Maura had to say; she had to tell her about Cate's visit. She considered her lesson learned and not being forthright and honest was no longer an option if she wanted to navigate this rough spot they were in.

Recognising that the longer she took to shuffle her butt into the other room the longer Maura had to work herself up Jane finally relented and fought against the exhaustion, dragging herself lethargically into the living area. She could tell that Maura was rightly worked up as she paced back and forth in front of the balcony windows. Feeling dizzy just from watching caused Jane to quickly find the couch and sit. "Okay Maur, let me have it."

Maura stopped pacing and turned to face her fiancée, "The crime lab results came back on DNA I scraped from under Valentina's fingernails; it belonged to the dead prison officer."

"Okay." This was not where Jane had envisioned the conversation would start, but now that it had she wasn't sure if she should share her theory about what had gone down.

"He had defensive wounds on him Jane." Her brow furrowed as she contemplated the irrational leap to conclusion she had made back at the morgue; that Officer Fallon had attacked the inmate with the intention to kill her. There were still reasons that the officer may have had defensive wounds on him, especially if he had been attempting to restrain the inmate; but deep down if she was to trust what her gut feeling told her she knew that he had intended to kill Valentina and had in fact succeeded.

Sensing the Medical Examiner's distress Jane decided to fill in the blanks as she knew them to be, "Fallon was on Paddy's payroll, I have no doubt that the riot was just a cover for a hit on Rossi."

Maura moved closer to Jane, taking up position in an armchair opposite the couch. Leaning forward with elbows on knees she studied Jane intently, "You know who the deceased guard is? How can you be so sure he is on Paddy's payroll?"

Jane rubbed her temple, anything to dull the thumping in her head. "Cate told me it was Fallon when I spoke to her and I have first hand experience with him."

"Right." Maura had flinched upon hearing Cate's name a stark reminder that there was a lot more she needed to talk to Jane about than what had happened to Rossi. She stood and walked over past the kitchen island to the fridge and pulled out a bottle of water and walked it back over to Jane handing it to her; she had noticed the sign of discomfort. "Re-hydrate Jane."

Jane readily accepted the water and had scarfed half of it down before Maura had returned to her position opposite in the armchair. "Thanks," she managed to mumble before watching and waiting for Maura to say something more.

"It hurts Jane, it really hurts."

"I know Maur." She was only ninety five percent sure that her fiancée was talking about the Cate revelation, part of her wondered if it was about the grief over Rossi, so she didn't want to be too committal either way.

"I trusted you." The words fell out of her mouth a lot meeker than she would have liked, but Maura knew that their impact would be the same regardless.

"I know." Jane sighed, if she was going to do the right thing about that morning, now was the best time she may get to speak the truth. "I need to tell you something else," she held up a hand to shush Maura before she could interrupt, "I dunno why I did it Maur, but in the midst of my drunken haze I called Cate in the early hours of this morning. I apparently begged her to come over here and she did. Nothing happened though, I promise."

Maura started fidgeting with her engagement band as she tried to process yet another piece of information designed to rip at the fabric of everything she believed in. Still she decided to try and focus on the facts rather than the emotion, "If you don't know why you called her, how can you be so sure _nothing_ happened?"

"She told me as much when I woke this afternoon and I trust her." Jane eyed her fiancée warily, looking for any hint of further irritation or hurt. The truth seemed to come with a cost lately.

"She was here with you all morning?"

"I was asleep." She put the emphasis on sleep.

"I see." Maura felt her anger begin to rise, but she tried to remain calm, anger was not going to allow for an open discussion.

Jane sighed, exasperated. "Look nothing happened okay? She's as pissed at me as you are!"

Maura sighed and rose to her feet, moving over to the balcony windows she stared out once again at the river. Her emotions were begging to get the better of her and it was clear the hangover was not helping Jane's patience. "Perhaps I should go. I'm not sure I can have this conversation calmly right now."

That was the last thing Jane wanted. She pulled herself up off the couch and walked over behind Maura where she wrapped her arms around her waist, but only after her fiancée had flinched but not retreated from the touch. She rested her chin in Maura's shoulder, "Please don't go Maur." _I need you, I love you; please let me make this better_ the thoughts she never spoke.

In that moment when she had given in to Jane's touch Maura broke. All the emotions that had been fighting to come to the surface expelled themselves angrily as she turned around in Jane's grasp and pounded on her chest in an attempt to break free. "Let me go," she growled angrily, tears pouring rapidly from her eyes.

If you asked Jane about it later she would have said she didn't know why, but she knew that as she held on to Maura it was more than physical. She was holding on to their love, to their future. She feared if she let go it would be over and so she held on tight, taking everything Maura had to throw at her until she stopped hitting and merely trembled instead. "I will never let you go Maura."

"It's not fair," she sobbed as she wrapped her arms around Jane's neck and buried her face in her shoulder. "I hate him so much Jane, it's his entire fault. Everything. I don't know in what universe he thinks anything he has done has protected me or shown me love. All he has done is cause me misery and broken my heart time after time. He uses people Jane, he uses them and then he discards them."

Jane tried to soothe her fiancée by rubbing her back gently, but mostly she just listened as it was obvious that Maura needed to express all the pent up emotion she had been feeling. "I know Maur," she mumbled in support.

"It's because of him I am mourning a woman who tried to kill you; it is because of him I lost you in the first place. He took you away from me Jane and then manipulated me into a situation that turned so ugly." She paused to catch her breath for a moment before continuing, "And then what does he do? Has her killed, the one he manipulated in the first place. I hate him Jane, I hate him so much."

"It's gonna be okay Maur, I believe it." She held tightly until the shaking subsided and waited to see if her fiancée had anything else to say.

Maura didn't believe it. "And the worst part is that because of him you needed her and because of him, we're broken." She removed her arms from around Jane's neck and started to pull away.

Jane's heart sank the moment Maura had used the term _broken_ to describe them. She dropped her arms and allowed the retreat. "You think we're broken?"

Maura looked down at her engagement band and worked it off her finger. Looking up at Jane and seeing heartbreak in those dark eyes only served to increase her own heartache. It wasn't Jane's fault, she knew this, but she also knew she had reached her breaking point. She couldn't do this right now and she wasn't sure she could do it again. She placed the ring in Jane's palm, closing her fingers over the band. "Yes," because if she was broken, then they were by default also broken.


	9. Chapter 9: One Step Closer

**A/N: Trigger warnings for alcohol abuse and suicide. I'm sorry this chapter has been so long in coming, but my muse took me to a dark place and I had to do a lot of thinking about whether I felt it was the right place to go, I decided it was. Remember there is always a light at the end of the Rizzles rainbow... we've just got to navigate some rough waters. Thank you once again to all who read and especially those who review and follow/favourite - you inspire me.**

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**Chapter Nine: One Step Closer**

_Everything you say to me  
Takes me one step closer to the edge  
And I'm about to break  
I need a little room to breathe  
Cause I'm one step closer to the edge  
And I'm about to break _

_\- Linkin Park, "One Step Closer", from the album "Hybrid Theory"._

Jane stood at the kitchen island pouring a healthy serve of whiskey into a tumbler before tossing it back and pouring another. Wandering over to the living area she picked up the remote for her television and accessed the recordings. Flicking down until she found the Red Sox game she had attended with Maura, she then fast forwarded through the recording until the footage of Maura planting a congratulatory kiss on her came on screen. She paused the recording on that frame and tossed back the double shot of whiskey. She would never get to have that with Maura again and she had nobody to blame but herself.

_"__Don't do this Maura, we can work it out." She stared after the love of her life as she made a move towards the door. The ring tucked into the palm of her hand felt heavy; as if she had been handed back half of her being, the half that belonged with Maura._

_Maura slowed to a stop and turned to look at Jane; half of her wanted to run back into her arms, but she knew that it wouldn't fix her or them. "I know you're hurting Jane, I am too; but this isn't going to work between us until I can sort myself out."_

_"__And you need to break up with me to do that?" She asked incredulously, crossing the room to close the distance between them._

_"__I don't know how long this will take. I cannot leave you hanging on to us when I'm not even sure there will be an us when I come through this." Fighting back tears was the hardest thing for the medical examiner as thoughts of the loneliness of her life before Jane and the potential loneliness after Jane crashed violently into her consciousness. Life without Jane felt like an impossibility, but it was a probability that crushed her soul. She turned away from the Italian and retreated to the apartment door._

_Anger welled within Jane as she watched the woman she loved open the door to walk out on her yet again. "If you walk out that door without this ring don't you dare come back!" She had known the moment she growled the ultimatum that it had been a mistake._

_It was a monumental mistake as the heartbroken look on Maura's face morphed into the calm and collected professional features of the Doctor Isles persona. "Goodbye Jane."_

_She hurled the ring at the door as it closed behind the medical examiner in a fit of rage. The ring hit the door and bounced harmlessly to the hardwood floor where it skidded away. _Really smart move, Rizzoli.

Jane hurled her tumbler at the TV, the impact causing cracks to spread across the screen. Fitting as far as she was concerned, as now the picture on the screen was as cracked and broken as she felt. The buzz in her head was not near enough for her as she returned to the kitchen island to grab the bottle of whiskey and chug down several mouthfuls of the liquid that burned on its way down.

Bottle in hand she stalked back over to her couch and slumped down, reaching over to the coffee table to pick up her phone she sifted through the call history and debated internally whether to call Maura who probably wouldn't pick up or Cate, who also probably wouldn't pick up. She took another swig of the whiskey before calling Maura.

When she was diverted straight to voicemail she almost hurled her phone away, before deciding against it, sucking in a deep breath and leaving a message instead. "Maura, look I'm sorry okay? I was hurtin' and I shouldn't have said what I did. I love you; I'll be here when you're ready. Promise."

Jane dropped her phone back onto the coffee table and put the whiskey bottle down beside the couch as she shifted her weight and brought her legs up and stretched them out, she laid her head back against the arm of the couch and closed her eyes. She hoped the warmth from the whiskey seeping its way from her stomach would calm her thoughts, because she needed the calm, as the heartache tearing at her soul was threatening to consume her whole.

Images of Maura walking out of the apartment and away from her at prison danced on the back of her eyelids; the exact opposite of the desired affect she had been looking for. She reached down for the whiskey and took another long draw of the harsh liquid, before nursing the bottle on her lap. The anger that had appeared when Maura had walked out on her started bubbling to the surface again and she realised that there just might not be enough whiskey in the city to quell that feeling.

Jane's thoughts drifted from her current heartbreak to the heartache she had caused for Cate. It frustrated her greatly that no matter how she tried, even amidst her own turmoil she couldn't get the rookie out of her head. She took another swig of the whiskey before reaching over to grab her phone, cycling straight through to Cate's number she hit call, half surprised when the rookie answered.

_"__What do you want Jane?"_

"Such a warm greeting rookie." She spoke slower than normal as she concentrated on getting the words out through the buzz in her head.

_"__Everything alright?"_

"I need you to come back here Rook." She ignored the question sent her way; instead choosing to focus on the one thing she remembered taking away the pain.

_"__I can't. You're lucky you caught me, I'm just finishing up my dinner break."_

"Rook, I ain't askin' I'm tellin' you that I need you here right now." She sighed and took a swig of the whiskey, trying to chase the pain away.

_"__Are you drinking again Jane?"_

A rough laugh escaped her lips, "Forget it Rook, I'll deal with this on my own." She ended the call as another wave of rage overtook her, causing her to fling her phone at the wall, where it smashed to pieces.

A few more swigs and half the bottle was gone, but the buzz wasn't helping contain the emotions battering her senses. She jumped up and flung the bottle at the wall where it shattered, much like her self control as she launched into a rampage grabbing and kicking and tearing everything she could touch. She had to find a way to make it all stop; the hurt and memories of all the damage she had caused in her life had rolled into a hot mess of uncontrollable agony. She needed a way to make it stop and after all the damage she had done in the apartment her eyes fell on the fire escape, giving her one final idea on how to end the pain.

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Catherine had spent a year pushing her feelings for Jane Rizzoli into the darkest depths of her mind, locked away from her and the world never to be felt again; at least that had been the plan. It had been a good plan right up until the moment she had heard Jane's message enquiring after her wellbeing. From that point on she was confronted by the love she had felt for the Italian once again, as no matter how hard she tried the woman was in her blood. She knew that Jane's heart belonged to Maura and she knew that there was never going to be a happy conclusion to her feelings, but she had realised that if Jane told her to jump she was going to; regardless of the damage it caused her own heart.

Subsequently upon speaking to Jane on her dinner break Catherine's internal Jane-o-meter had full on blown out. Something was wrong; the demand for her attention was all the warning she needed. She had no doubt Jane was drinking yet again and that didn't bode well. She was a good forty five minutes away from Jane by time she called out on work and went through all the rigmarole to leave the prison and travelled the distance between Framingham and Jane's apartment in Back Bay. Forty five very long minutes.

Her anxiety grew when she reached the apartment and pounded on the door only for there to be no answer. She thought about trying to bust the door in with her shoulder, but it was a solid door and she didn't like her chances. She tried calling Jane but the call went straight to voicemail, looking around frantically she saw the stairs and decided to see if they went to the roof, from there she could make her way down the fire escape and get a better view of the apartment.

When the door to the roof proved to be unlocked a sigh of relief escaped Catherine's lips; at least one thing was going right. Her thoughts darkened almost as quickly though, when she started walking toward the side of the building where the fire escape was and found Jane standing on the edge of the roof, several feet further along. "Jane?" Her tone clearly questioned what she was witnessing, while she tried to swallow down the instant panic in her throat.

"I thought you were working?" She didn't really care about the answer; she just didn't know what to say. It had been such a good idea, at least it had felt like such a brilliant idea at the time, but now that she was no longer alone it made her decision all the harder to follow through with.

"I was worried about you. I had to make sure you were okay." Instinct told her to walk slowly towards Jane so as not to startle her, so that is what she did.

"Why?" Jane's voice clearly dejected; she didn't think she was worth saving. She had ruined her life, Maura's life, and maybe she was right smack bang in the middle of destroying Catherine's too. Her anger had long ago made way for a deep sense of loneliness and self loathing.

"Because I love you Jane; I knew something was wrong and I couldn't ignore it." She kept her voice calm, edging ever closer one slow step at a time.

"You shouldn't." She looked down, before quickly looking back up as a wave of nausea hit her. The alley below was empty barring a couple of garbage dumpsters; it occurred to her how easy it would be to take one more step forward into the void.

"You are worth so much more than you give yourself credit for Jane. I know things are dark right now…"

"She left me." She cut off angrily.

Catherine paused for a moment, remembering how dark things had become the last time that Maura had seemingly walked out on Jane. She knew she had to tread lightly or there was nothing she would be able to do to stop Jane from making an excruciatingly painful decision. "I have no doubt she just needs time. She loves you; you two are meant to be Jane. Believe it."

"I'm sorry for leaving you like I did. I should have been honest with you." The haze of the alcohol made it hard to focus on the conversation, as such she simply blurted out the thoughts bouncing around in her head; irrespective of conversational continuity.

"It wasn't anything I didn't half expect. I forgave you a long time ago." She was almost within arms reach now. "How about you step down from the ledge and we can talk about it?"

Another wave of nausea hit Jane as she shuffled her feet around in an attempt to actually face her ex-lover. Her foot missed it's landing and she felt herself begin to fall.


	10. Chapter 10: Reconnecting

**A/N: As always my thanks to each and every one of you who is reading, following, favouriting and reviewing. Please feel free to tell me what you are thinking as we go along, it makes all the difference.**

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**Chapter Ten: Reconnecting.**

Jane landed heavily on Catherine, as the prison officer had anticipated the misstep and was already mid flight pulling Jane forward away from the ledge, when the foot finally missed its location. While completely incidental, their positioning gave Jane that all too familiar shot of desire as she felt warm breath on her neck. Familiar hands were still placed firmly on her back, causing her breath to hitch involuntarily as she lifted her face so that she could make contact with pale blue eyes. She realised that she had missed looking into those eyes and the touch she felt, she shuddered and rolled over away from the rookie. Guilt pinged around in her gut just for thinking about kissing the woman who had moments ago been beneath her; she needed to sober up.

Catherine expertly pulled her arm away from Jane as she rolled so as not to have it pinned beneath the Italian. She turned her head and really looked at Jane for the first time that evening, "You're still in your sweats from this morning?"

Jane turned her head to the side so that she was looking directly at the rookie; a stupid grin crept its way onto her face. "After everything that just happened, _that_ is what you ask me?"

Catherine beamed, "It made you smile, didn't it?"

"That it did Rook, that it did." The smile disappeared from her face as darker thoughts returned to the forefront of her mind. "I thought I was ready to die."

"I thought you were too and it petrified me Jane." She watched on a little surprised when Jane entangled their nearest hands together. She returned her gaze to piercing dark eyes and relaxed a little; if holding hands in that moment was what the Italian needed then she would allow it.

"I think I would have done it Cate, if you hadn't shown up when you did." A pang of guilt invaded her stomach at the sight of the hurt flashing through Catherine's eyes. She didn't wanna hurt the rookie, but she needed to talk, she needed to try and unburden some of the heavy feelings choking her down.

"And now?"

"I just want it to stop." She felt a reassuring squeeze of her hand as encouragement to continue. Unable to keep meeting the intense gaze of her friend she turned her attention to the sky as dusk was finally making way for night to begin. There were enough lights from the buildings around them to ensure they were not enveloped by darkness. "She didn't leave me because I didn't tell her about you. She left because I think it was just the last straw to break her, everything Paddy has put us through… it's just been too much for her."

"Not telling her before you proposed was boneheaded Jane." She had followed suit and was now staring at the darkened sky, accepting of the fact that this was the easiest way for Jane to communicate.

"I know, but honestly it just slipped my mind."

"Ouch."

Jane turned to look at the prison officer again, and gave a soft squeeze on her hand to get her attention, when their eyes met she elaborated. "It's not like that. So much happened when I got out, it just didn't cross my mind. Trust me; you're not exactly easy to forget."

Catherine decided it wasn't the time to argue that point and mention their own history together, but rather time to keep prodding Jane to open up about events that had clearly had an impact on her. "What happened?"

Suddenly feeling a bit hesitant to continue she tried to lighten her tone a little and joked, "You got all night?"

Catherine stared right through the attempted humour and answered honestly, "Yes." She had no intention of going anywhere until she felt fairly certain that Jane wasn't at risk and if she couldn't be certain of that she had no qualms with forcing her to seek psychiatric help. She just hoped it wouldn't have to come to that.

"You're incredible, you know that right?"

"I'm not doing anything that anybody else wouldn't do in this situation." She didn't want the focus on her, because that was not going to help Jane deal with her life.

Jane sighed and returned her eyes to the night sky. "I'm sorry you had to see this. I kinda wish you hadn't shown up. This was the best time, Maura wouldn't have gotten the call, she wouldn't be working, she would be home alone… oh shit!"

"Jane?" Catherine sat up and looked over at the Italian who appeared to have gone pale. "What's wrong?"

Jane clambered to her feet and made an unsteady move towards the fire escape; getting up quickly had caused her head to spin. "I have to call Cailin."

Catherine was up almost as fast as Jane and placed a steadying hand on Jane's shoulder. "Okay, just take it easy first. I don't want you taking an inadvertent nose dive over the railing." She guided Jane towards the fire escape and walked behind her as they climbed down, keeping a hand on the Italian's shoulder the entire time until they had climbed back through the open window into Jane's apartment, which was only lit up by the rays of light emanating from the cracked television.

"Just wait there a moment." Jane quickly navigated the destruction she had left in her wake earlier and hit the light switch, bringing much needed light into the equation.

Looking around at the damage Catherine couldn't help but speak dryly, "I like what you've done with the place."

Forgetting a moment her reason for returning inside Jane laughed, "It brings out my eyes don't you think?" Her features returned to a frown as she looked around for her cell phone, when she discovered it was busted frustration caused her to throw it across the room; she hadn't remembered how hard she had thrown it earlier.

Catherine pulled her phone from its holster on her belt and offered it to Jane, "Here, use mine."

"Thanks." She wandered away into her study, which was located next to her bedroom. She couldn't remember Cailin's number by heart so she had to look it up on the cloud. She spoke briefly with Cailin asking her to check on Maura, without being too committal as to why, just implored Cailin to please do as she asked and didn't hang up until she was sure that Maura's half sister was going to head over to the medical examiner's residence.

"What was that about?" Catherine asked as Jane emerged from the study. She was leaning against the door frame into Jane's bedroom, which appeared to be the only room that hadn't suffered Jane's wrath.

Jane handed back the phone, "That was Maura's half sister. I figured I should ask her to check on Maura, she doesn't really reach out for help very well and I didn't think she would want Ma or Frankie comforting her. I just don't want her to be alone in this Cate, I couldn't live with that."

"She's lucky to have you."

Jane didn't necessarily agree at that point in time. She brushed past the rookie and collapsed down onto her bed, she was exhausted. "You say that Rook, but if it wasn't for me none of this would be happening."

Catherine followed her into the bedroom and sat on the bottom corner of the bed. "I think you're gonna have to explain that one to me Jane."

The Italian woman pulled herself up and sat cross legged on the bed so that she was facing the prison officer. This was part of the long story she needed to tell, but was afraid to start. Afraid that once the emotions started pouring out she wouldn't be able to catch them and box them away safely again. Although she realised that she had not been very successful doing that all afternoon either and that this in fact might be the only way she could finally start to find some peace. "When I shot him… when I shot Leary… that started everything else that has happened since rolling. Everything that has happened to Maura is because of me." She'd never been able to tell Maura that, she had wanted to on so many occasions to let how she felt be known, but she hadn't had the courage.

Catherine reached out and held on to Jane's hand, "Honey, you made a decision in a moment of anguish, you thought she was dead and while I dunno what all has happened since that day, I sure as hell know you wouldn't have wished anything bad on that woman."

"It ain't about anything I wished Rook. I pissed off Paddy by turning myself in…"

"Yeah that part I remember." She still loathed thinking about the beatings Jane had taken at the hands of other convicts at Paddy's mere say so.

"He manipulated everything from there rookie. He kept our letters from each other, probably via Fallon, and he even stopped her from seeing me one last time. He took all that away from us all the while manipulating Maura by putting a damn clone of me in her life."

Catherine nodded slowly as she put a few things together in her mind from the press and what she had learned in the prison. "That Valentina Rossi, the one who tried to kill you? She was the one Maura moved on with?"

"Yeah." She paused for a moment as her anger welled, she tried to swallow it back down but she couldn't stop some of it escaping when she continued, "And Maura's grieving her death." She realised then that while she had tried to be understanding of what it felt like to Maura, she didn't understand one iota. The woman had been nothing more than a manipulator and had tried to kill her and threatened to kill Maura too. Her grip involuntarily tightened around Catherine's hand as the rage tried to make another appearance.

"Jane!" She attempted to tug her hand away from the private investigator, "Look at me. You need to let it go, holding on to this is killing you… and my hand!" she spoke the last part with a smile.

Suddenly realising what she was doing Jane let go of the hand. "Shit, sorry Rook."

"Don't worry about it. Look, go take yourself a shower and change into clean clothes. You need to eat somethin', and judging by the mess out there I'm not gonna find anything useful to fix you. So I'm gonna take you out for somethin', okay?" It was time to slow things down, Jane had reached a point where sharing any more didn't seem like a safe idea for either of them. Catherine recognised the anger, having seen it before when Jane was in prison and she didn't want to tangle with it.

"Okay, sure." Jane didn't have the energy to argue; besides if she was honest with herself it would be nice to get out and away from the fishbowl her apartment had become.


	11. Chapter 11: Sad Eyes

**A/N: As usual thanks goes to those who read, follow, favourite and review - even the reviews that sting. To that point at the bottom of this chapter I have a few things to say. In the mean time, please enjoy.**

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**Chapter Eleven: Sad Eyes.**

Cailin Martin observed her older sister thoughtfully; she was outwardly composed for the most part, only allowing the slightest of emotion to break through the prim and proper façade that had been the norm for the medical examiner. The one notable absence from their conversation so far had been the endless stream of random factoids that represented Maura's nerves getting the better of her. The lack of light in her sister's eyes told Cailin the true seriousness of the situation though; Maura was clearly troubled but apparently reluctant to discuss what troubled her.

Cailin took a sip of water and watched Maura play with her food. "Maura, talk to me?"

"She hates me." Maura said dejectedly as she pushed the salad Cailin had fixed her around on the plate. She just wasn't that hungry and she was still processing the fact that Cailin had shown up unannounced. While they had grown closer over the previous five years, there was still a certain level of formality in their relationship; very much one of pre-organisation before spending time together.

"Jane doesn't hate you. She practically begged me to come over here and check on you." It struck Cailin that naturally it had to be something going on between Jane and Maura. Jane was the only person she had seen able to shake her sister; Jane was the only one with the power to bring out the best and worst in Maura.

"She did?" While it explained Cailin's presence, the self doubt that had been eating away at her since she had walked out on Jane, still left her questioning.

"Uh huh, although to be honest she sounded drunk and was completely evasive."

Maura sighed pensively; it was not a surprise to hear Jane had been drinking and it pained her greatly. She had failed to consider the fact that since she had been released from prison Jane had used alcohol to deal with her issues; although the drinking only served to push the issues away. She had failed to consider that her walking out on their relationship might cause great harm to Jane when she reverted to her preferred method of dealing with overwhelming emotions.

"Please just give me a minute." Maura excused herself from the dining table and disappeared upstairs to check her phone; Jane had called her earlier and she had diverted it straight to voicemail, she now felt great need to check that message. Upon listening to the message that had been left, aside from the desperation in the apology there had been a roughness to Jane's voice that tended to happen after she had consumed hard liquor.

Maura let out an exasperated sigh when her attempt to contact Jane went straight to voicemail. She didn't leave a message because she didn't know what to say; she had walked out so she had no right to question Jane's coping mechanism, even if it did worry her. She left the phone on charge in the bedroom and returned downstairs to the dining room table, taking up position opposite her sister once more.

"Is everything alright?" Cailin probed.

"Not really, no." She didn't want to talk about it, but knew that aside from Cailin the only person she could possibly talk to was their mother Hope and she just couldn't stomach that thought. Not when Paddy was the cause of all her heartache; she didn't want to put that on her biological mother.

Cailin suspected it was going to be one of those conversations whereby she would only get somewhere by asking direct probing questions. "Did you and Jane have a fight?" She watched as the medical examiner nodded but didn't speak. She sighed and rolled the details she knew around in her head; suddenly it dawned on her what was going on. "Did you and Jane break up?"

"Yes." She wasn't going to lie, but Maura was determined not to openly volunteer any extra information on the topic either. It was too fresh and hurt her deeply.

"Why?" Cailin hadn't meant to sound as shocked as she had, but the fact remained she was incredibly surprised. Jane and Maura were made for one another, she had no doubt about that in her mind and she knew the depths of Jane's love for Maura; it was there for the world to see every time Jane looked at her sister. In fact for Cailin, when she had first been introduced to Maura and Jane she had assumed incorrectly that the two women were involved just from the way they interacted with one another during the dinner party. Upon contemplation Maura's admittance troubled her greatly; she worried for her sister.

"There are many answers to your question Cailin, but if I were to be honest I am not sure any of them reasonably justify the state of my relationship with Jane." Watching the gamut of emotions that had flickered across her sister's face reminded her of how much she and Jane had fought through to be together and how she was just giving up.

Between the tone of voice and words chosen Cailin realised that it had been her sister's decision to end the relationship. There had to be a real good reason, even if Maura appeared to be thinking otherwise. "What did she do Maura?"

A sad smile crossed the medical examiner's lips. "It is admirable that you assume my innocence in the matter, but it was my decision based on a number of factors. I know that Jane hates my decision, but honestly Cailin, I think it is what is best for both of us." She had to protect Jane from Paddy Doyle; it was as simple as that. She just couldn't trust that he would not come along and interfere yet again in their lives and she knew that she couldn't handle any more of his interference. She couldn't handle losing Jane on one of her father's whims. The death of Valentina Rossi had been the final nail in the coffin of her relationship.

"What factors?" She could see a hint of confliction in her sister's hazel eyes and she worried that Maura had given up and it would be her undoing.

"My biological father's constant interference and the nagging feeling that while she is with me Jane will never truly be safe from Paddy." Maura steeled herself in that moment, as if voicing out loud her true fears provided the strength she needed to protect Jane. Sensing Cailin's continued confusion she added, "Paddy had Valentina killed, Cailin and while that hurts me because of the relationship we once shared, it is nothing compared to the fear I hold for Jane."

"Oh," The auburn haired beauty's words matched the shape of her mouth as the realisation sunk in. She understood now why Maura had made the decision she did but a thought suddenly jumped to the forefront of her brain. Jane had sought her out a month before, had told her of her intentions to ask Maura to be her wife. Cailin wondered if Maura had known this, and if she didn't, would it change anything? "Jane came to see me last month."

"She did?" Maura wondered where Cailin was headed with this line of conversation.

"Yes," she hesitated momentarily, contemplating whether it was something she should mention, or if it would be better to not mention it for fear of making Maura feel worse. She decided she had to mention it, "She wanted to know my thoughts on her asking you to marry her; naturally I told her that it was about damn time – yes language, I know – that she made an honest woman out of you. Perhaps I shouldn't have?"

Jane loved her irrevocably, Maura knew this, and if she hadn't known this, the mere fact that she had sought out the approval of her sister and probably her mothers before proposing was proof enough. Jane had wanted to do everything right and even in what Maura mused might have been the darkest hour for the PI she had thought only of Maura in begging Cailin to come and check on her well being. She sighed, her heart ached for Jane and she had no doubt that she would never love another, but that didn't change her decision. She would rather lose Jane from her life, than to risk Jane losing her life.

Cailin watched varying emotions from affection to fear and a deep immense sadness flash through hazel eyes. "Maura? Say something?"

Wiping a loan tear than had managed to escape her eye away with the back of her hand she looked at Cailin with a sad smile, "She did propose to me Cailin and I did say yes, because marrying Jane and spending the rest of my life with her is the only way I can see happiness as part of my future. Unfortunately things changed almost immediately and I realised that I would rather lose her, than have Paddy take her away from me." It was just the way it had to be.

"You need to tell her this Maura. God knows what she's thinking; she's probably blaming herself for you leaving!"

Maura sighed, that was unfortunately true. She knew she had let Jane believe that it was partially her fault for lying about Cate, but Maura didn't feel threatened by the woman or even the lie, she understood how Jane operated and she knew that there had never been any intention to cause hurt or deceit. It was just one of those things that had snowballed on the PI and while it had stung for a moment, it was something Maura had already forgiven. "You may be right, but I honestly do not think I can because she will fight me every step of the way and I might just give in. I can't risk that Cailin; I can't risk her life."

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**A/N: After a few recent reviews I have felt the need to highlight something important about this trilogy. I have thrown an innumerable amount of serious challenges at these women, and Jane in particular has not dealt with any of it one iota. She has been her typical self in pushing things away into that little box, well that box broke the last two chapters. Jane is human, at least MY Jane is and while I understand some of you cannot see the vision, I do hope you stay with me, as I am trying to bring this journey to an end in as human a way as possible, and yes I have thrown a human roadblock into the mix, except if you take the time to read you will realise that Cate is not an obstacle too far for Jane and Maura finding their way back to one another... she is an important catalyst. I should know, her character and integrity and unconditional loved are based entirely on me... Jane is broken, but she has Cate to help her through... so are you going to stick around? If not that is entirely your choice, as sometimes as readers we just don't like what we are reading. But I hope you all stay and I hope you look deeper into what is going on and see there really is a light at the end of the tunnel for Jane and Maura... I just had to take them on this long road, because I like angst, and because humans are not as easy as 1,2,3... humans are complicated. Feelings are complicated. This trilogy is complicated.**

**I appreciate every single one of you, even those who are disappointed in where this has gone, because it is your right to feel as you see fit. Without you, I would be a touch more sadder and a lot more lonely. You all don't know it, but writing this trilogy has kept me sane through a tough period of my life. So thank you.**

**With that all said, those of you sticking around, hang on cause we still have a ways to go, and it won't all be unicorns and kittens.**


	12. Chapter 12: Not a Day Goes By

**Chapter Twelve: Not a Day Goes By**

_I still wait for the phone in the middle of the night  
Thinkin' you might call me if your dreams don't turn out right  
And it still amazes me that I lie here in the dark  
Wishin' you were next to me, with your head against my heart  
If you asked me how I'm doing I'd say just fine  
But the truth is baby, if you could read my mind_

_\- Lonestar, "Not a Day Goes By" from the album "I'm Already There"._

* * *

_In minutes she would be a free woman, well as free as a parolee was and the thought only left Jane feeling sombre. Returning to the world she had left behind four years ago filled her with trepidation, especially when her thoughts shifted from seeing family again to knowing that she wouldn't be seeing Maura that day, or potentially any other day. It felt wrong. Instead of Frankie waiting for her to leave the walls of Framingham behind, it should have been Maura. Maura._

_Jane shifted her eyes from the floor to the prison officer who had become her salvation. Cate had procured them a few minutes in the privacy of some barely furnished room that Jane didn't have the foggiest about what it was for, it may have even been an old supply closet for all she knew. The one thing she was sure of were the nerves she felt as the realisation set in the she couldn't do this relationship in the outside world. She couldn't keep seeing Cate, even though she knew that was something they had discussed. It had been easy to discuss the future when it was a year away, so much could have happened between now and then; so much could have and so much had and now she had to man up and crush the heart of her saviour._

_Instinctively Jane's eyes skirted the ceiling for cameras, confident in the privacy of the moment she stepped into the rookie's waiting arms, wrapping her own tightly around the prison officer. She placed a gentle kiss on the top of silky brown hair before burying her chin in the crook of Cate's neck. _

_It was the kind of tender moment they had rarely had time for, as time together had been limited and when a few minutes of privacy had been obtained there were more lust driven desires to satisfy. Prison romances between guards and inmates were forbidden, and the system had sure done its best to make it unlikely. It succeeded really, when Jane thought about it. There had hardly been romance, just hyped up emotions seeking release carnally. Just Jane running from the pain of having pushed Maura away, running right into the waiting arms of an unsuspecting woman who had fallen for the Rizzoli charm._

_Breaking the embrace, but grasping hands to fill the space between them Jane searched pale blue eyes in hope of understanding. She really wanted Cate to make it easy for her, but there was nothing but love and affection staring back at her and it took a small piece of her soul. This woman had risked her career to comfort Jane, and now she wanted to payback the love and support she had received by walking away and never looking back. She felt sick to her stomach because she knew that in the real world only Maura could satisfy her heart and she had told the rookie as much on many occasions, and yet she realised that love was a cruel mistress._

_Forcing a grin that almost reached her eyes she addressed the prison officer, "This is it Rook. Freedom."_

_Cate smiled, "Look out world, Jane Rizzoli is back."_

_"__Wouldn't have made it without you." That was true._

_"__Enjoy reconnecting with your family Jane, and call me tomorrow. I slipped my number in with your belongings."_

_"__My Ma is gonna hover way too much for my liking and yeah, I'll call." No, she wouldn't._

_Cate pressed a chaste kiss against Jane's lips. "I love you."_

_"__I love you too." The biggest lie of all._

* * *

"I was such a fucking coward." Jane dropped her half eaten cheeseburger and looked directly at Catherine. "How can you even stand to be around me?"

Catherine had eaten quietly while watching Jane pick at her food and tried to work out the best way to answer the question she knew was coming the longer the silence between them had extended. Wiping her face with a napkin before leaning back in the booth they were sitting in she studied darkened eyes that flashed with indicators of guilt and confusion. "Because I knew, deep down I knew. You warned me many times Jane."

"I told you I would call, and I didn't."

"Well, not in the timely fashion I had expected no." She smiled warmly, "But you did call and now apparently you can't stop."

Jane rolled her eyes and munched irritably on a cold fry, continuing to search those pale blue eyes for deeper answers. In her mind there was no way Catherine could be that cool with things, because she wasn't and she was the one that had the easy end of the deal. "I told you I loved you, and then I never looked back." And there it was, a flash of hurt, but it disappeared almost as quickly as it had appeared.

The warmth disappeared from her smile, but the smile stayed nonetheless. Catherine had no intention of letting Jane use their past as another excuse for self torture. "You love Maura; you will never stop loving Maura. You told me then, and you've told me now. I'm okay with it, why do you continue to beat yourself up over this?"

"Because being an asshole doesn't sit well with me, Cate." Another cold fry found its way between her teeth.

"What do you want from me Jane? Why can't you just accept that I am here being a friend to you?" The exasperation was clear in her tone, despite her attempts to remain calm.

"I want the truth. I wanna know how you feel."

Catherine averted her gaze away from Jane to the street through the diner's window. The traffic lights on the corner became quite interesting as she gave in to Jane's request. "I hurt. It hurts. My heart ignored my head when it came down to it. My head told me you wouldn't call, but every damned night my heart just kept on hoping you would." She blinked away tears that thinking back on the lonely nights waiting for the call that never came caused her. "Until one night I stopped hoping. One night I believed I let it go," she turned back to Jane, "And then you called."

"I'm sorry." She wondered if she would ever stop being sorry; sorry for hurting Cate, sorry for hurting Maura, sorry for pushing everything down until it exploded violently, sorry for existing. Jane sighed, as much as it pained her because Catherine was doing a damned good job at helping her stay sane, she had to give the woman her freedom. She'd hurt her too much already. "I won't call you again Rook. I think it's the least I can do. It's not fair to you to have deal with my crap. I made my bed, I gotta lie in it."

"Bullshit."

"I'm sorry?"

"Do I need to repeat myself? Bull. Shit."

Jane furrowed her brow, "I heard what you said; I'm just not sure what the hell you mean by it?"

"Did I tell you I wanted you to leave me be? Did I tell you to never call me again?" Instantly she groaned because she remembered that she had indeed said that the night she returned Jane's first call.

Jane shot a knowing glance at the rookie. "Well yeah you did, I just haven't done a very good job of following your wishes."

"I wouldn't be here if I didn't want to be Jane. Yeah it hurts, but you know what? I'm thankful to be here. Thankful to get this chance to be a friend to you in the real world, because Lord knows you need one right now."

With those words the harsh reality forced its way back into her consciousness. She needed Cate, almost as much as she needed Maura albeit for different reasons. With Maura she was afraid to show her weakness, afraid to be anything but _Badass Detective Rizzoli_; with the rookie she could share her fears because she had already seen her at her worst. She knew what scared, shaken, broken ex-detective Jane Rizzoli looked like and she had even fallen in love with that Rizzoli. Jane sighed; it still felt so wrong to her to lean on a woman in love. "I feel like I'm using you Rook."

"That's because you are. Right now you are, but that's because you need to. This too shall pass, and perhaps this time instead of running away you'll return the friendship."

A little bit of warmth found its way into her heart as a smile found a way onto her face, "You know Cate, I would actually like that."

"It's settled then." Catherine glanced down at the half eaten burger, "Are you gonna finish that?"

A mischievous smile curled at her lips as she picked the burger up and leaned forward angling her arm to make out like she was going to start a very childish food fight. "Why you want some?"

A curious eyebrow questioned the private investigator as much as her words did, "You wouldn't dare?"

Jane laughed and leaned back in her seat, "You're right I wouldn't, I'm too hungry." She took a bite out of the food, which despite having cooled off suddenly tasted more flavourful. The food, water and time they had spent in the diner had cleared some of the haze from her mind and she felt good. She knew it wouldn't last because there was still so much to deal with, but for now it felt good to be alive. _One step at a time Rizzoli, one step at a time._

* * *

**A/N: I just want to say thank you to all of you, especially those who were so very gracious in their support following last chapter.  
**

**And woot... one thing that had been bugging Jane is now resolved!**


	13. Chapter 13: Stronger Than Me

**A/N: As usual thanks to all who read and review.**

* * *

**Chapter 13: Stronger Than Me.**

_I don't know how you can take it  
Invest your heart and then you break it  
I don't know how you can set it free  
You must be stronger than me  
Set it up but it's not perfect  
Tear it down cause it's not worth it  
If someone else can light your mystery  
They must be stronger than me _

_\- Melissa Etheridge, "Stronger Than Me" from the album "Breakdown"_

It had been the shittiest week Jane could remember; a week without hearing from Maura and despite her best efforts to work through it, if she hadn't have had Catherine badgering her not to drink she would have hit the bottle pretty hard every single night. Half way through the week she had taken leave from the law firm, because her work was sloppy and she didn't want to jeopardise any cases with shoddy work. Her apartment was clean again, thanks in part to Catherine who had taken it upon herself to clean up after Hurricane Jane; but it was an empty lonely place.

Jane had tried her hardest to do the right things, to process all the issues that had come careening to the forefront of her mind during her breakdown, but the fact remained that Maura was gone and she didn't know if she was going to come back. Subsequently after seeing a headline in the _Boston Herald_ questioning the integrity of Maura in her role as Chief Medical Examiner of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, Jane had bought the paper and a carton of beer and returned to her apartment. She was done doing the right things, at least at this point in time.

Jane had the newspaper open to the headline '_What's Up Doc?' _and a picture of Maura attending the funeral of Valentina Rossi in New York. The article had gone on to question the integrity of the Chief Medical Examiner based on the fact that she had attended the funeral of her ex-girlfriend, a woman accused of having been in league with Maura's mobster father Patrick Doyle. The article implied the once irreproachable Chief ME may have finally fallen under the control of the senior Doyle. It was nothing more than a cheap muck raking piece, but it was on page three where a lot of the wrong people would easily see it and it broke Jane's heart. She was torn between overwhelming anger at the woman for having the gall to attend the funeral of Rossi and a desire to comfort the woman she loved for the unfair accusations levelled against her.

She pulled her new phone out of her pocket and tried calling Maura, but as had been the case all week it was diverted straight to voice mail. This time however Jane decided to leave a message; fighting against all her anger she kept it supportive. "Don't pay any attention to 'em Maur. You're the most honest person I know and nothin' shit reporters say can change that. You know where I am if you need me, love you." She just wasn't ready to give up on the woman she loved yet.

She was however, more than ready to give up on her sobriety. It was late afternoon, which she figured meant she had at least a couple of hours before Cate would call in after work to check on her. Two hours to drink as much beer as she could so that she didn't have to be sober for the next conversation. She was tired of being sober and tired of the ache in her chest and really tired of being looked after. She just wanted to be left alone, even though she knew if she was she would probably only drink herself to death via alcohol poisoning or stupid decision making. She supposed she couldn't really blame Cate for being persistent with her care.

Jane grabbed a six pack and carried it with her to the couch where she slumped down and started to drink and stew over everything that was bouncing around in her brain. Maura leaving; Maura loving Rossi; Maura mourning Rossi; killing a man because of her grief over Maura; Maura's biological father and everything he had done to her; the fact that Cate wasn't Maura; Maura not returning her calls. Every single little thing came back to Maura and that only spurred the drinking on. For one night she really just wanted to be able to forget Maura.

She ploughed through the first six pack and was already a couple more bottles into the next when she opened the door for Cate, beer in hand. She ignored the frown shot her way and walked back to the couch to return to her drinking. She didn't bother with pleasantries; if the rookie wanted to be there then she would just have to put up with her way of dealing with things.

Catherine held her tongue initially as she followed Jane inside, locking the door behind them. She was then contemplating saying something else when her eyes fell on the open paper on the kitchen island bench top. She read the article and then turned to look at Jane, "Is this why you're drinking?"

"Nope." Jane took a deep swig and then fixated on the beer bottle, not at all interested in making any eye contact. Slowly however her lips curled into a grim smile, she knew exactly how to get Cate to piss off and leave her be. "Want one?" She held up an unopened bottle of beer from the six pack beside her.

_Breathe Cate._ Catherine shook her head politely. "No thank you." She was not going to give Jane the satisfaction of getting a rise out of her; she recognised the deliberate tactic to push her buttons.

Jane turned to look at the woman who was insisting on playing it cool and upped the ante, "Why don't you stop being so damn uptight and just live a little? One drink ain't gonna hurt ya!"

Catherine's hands clenched into fists by her sides as she again focused on breathing as a source of calm. Jane knew her history with an alcoholic father and Jane knew she had sworn off the stuff. Sober Jane respected that decision, drunk Jane was just being an ass about it. "I think maybe you have had enough to drink Jane."

Incensed the Italian jumped out of her seat and stalked over to the prison officer and shoved a bottle at her, "Take it," she growled.

"No!" The blue in her eyes darkened as her anger started building.

Jane shoved the bottle hard into Catherine's stomach. "Take the damn drink and stop being a little bitch about it!"

Catherine grabbed the bottle, popped the top and proceeded to turn around and pour the beer down the sink. Turning back to Jane she spoke a couple octaves lower than usual in warning, "Think very carefully about what you do next Jane."

Jane looked at her incredulously, "Why the hell would you do that? Waste perfectly good beer?"

"Because you're being an asshole Jane. I've already walked out on one drunk in my life; do you really wanna make it two?"

Dark eyes narrowed as she snarled her response, "I'm nothin' like your father!"

Catherine sighed and backed up a little, "Forget it, I need some air." She turned to leave only to be stopped in her tracks by a strong hand to her arm. She turned and glared at Jane, "Let go now!"

"Or you'll what?" Jane had stopped thinking things through the moment she had leapt from the couch, and now found herself heading into dangerous territory as frustration and anger swirled around in her brain.

Catherine pulled her arm out of the Italian's grasp and shoved away from the woman, "Just back off."

The moment she felt the hand on her shoulder pushing her back all cognitive reasoning departed Jane. She reached out and grabbed fistfuls of Catherine's shirt and drove her back into the side of the fridge. Her eyes darkened almost to the point of black as she stared down the prison officer, "Don't fuckin' touch me like that again!"

Catherine's mind flashed back to the past and her father slamming her against the wall and wailing on her; he had the same dark eyes that bore into her soul in that moment. Using her superior strength she reached up and took fistfuls of Jane's shirt, pushed her back and then pulled her around and crunched her into the side of the fridge, pinning her there. "I guess it's true. Girls fall for their Daddy's."

As the words spoken seeped into her brain Jane let go of her hold on Catherine's shirt as the rage started to dissipate and cognisance returned. "I'm not…"

"You are, you're just like him Jane. You can't deal with your shit so you hit the bottle and then you're lookin' like you wanna hit me!" She growled angrily, not yet aware of how Jane had softened in her stance and eyes. "So help me God if you don't take a long hard look at yourself and stop this shit from repeating…"

"Cate?"

"What?" In that moment she saw dark brown orbs filled with regret and what looked like longing staring back at her. She swallowed and dropped her hands, realising that she had become caught up in her anger as much as Jane had. Before she could formulate another word though she found herself swung around pressed into the fridge with hungry lips slamming against hers. Natural instinct and desire caused an initial response of returning the kiss and allowing Jane to deepen it before her senses returned and she pushed the Italian woman away. "What the hell was that?"

A throat cleared somewhere in the vicinity of the apartment door before a voice all too familiar to Jane spoke up, "I would like to know the answer to that question too." Too busy fighting neither the private investigator nor the prison officer had heard the medical examiner use her key to let herself in.

* * *

**A/N: Decided to break this one into two, just to keep all chapters relatively the same length. Expect Chapter 14 sometime soon.**


	14. Chapter 14: Breakdown

**A/N: Looks like I've lost a couple guests on the last chapter, well that's their choice. Double post tonight so be sure to read chapter 13. This is the low point, it's only up from here. Thanks again to those who are reading and not making it personal. I'm telling a story, a human story, humans make stupid mistakes. But I believe in love conquering all. *shrug***

**Also I want to give a special thanks to inkwheels, thegirlin404 and eve2faces for being awesome sounding boards as I worked my way through chapters 13 and 14 with them. Also a shout out to my friend Anneke, who has been like the most awesome sounding board since I started writing Reckoning.**

* * *

**Chapter Fourteen: Breakdown.**

_So you're having a breakdown  
So you're losing the fight  
So you're having a breakdown  
And I'm driving and crying  
Unravelled and flying  
I'm coming to your breakdown tonight_

_\- Melissa Etheridge, "Breakdown" from the album "Breakdown"_

* * *

Catherine watched the machinations of Jane's brain as she processed the fact that Maura had witnessed her mistake of the night and realised that the kiss wasn't going to be the biggest mistake. The Italian's eyes darkened to almost black again and instinctively Catherine shot a look over her shoulder as she slid away from the fridge and out in between the two women. "Doctor Isles, you should leave." Jane was going to make things worse, she was sure of it; she just hoped by knowing it she could try and prevent the worst of it.

"No, stay Maura." Jane drawled sarcastically as she shifted her weight forward, staggering slightly only to be stopped by a hand to her chest. Her eyes moved from the medical examiner to those of the prison officer, "Get out of my way," she growled, determined to get across the room to tell Maura many things.

"Not gonna happen." Catherine braced her feet so that she could keep Jane at bay. Once again looking back over her shoulder she implored Maura to leave, "You don't wanna stay for this; it'll only serve to break your heart and she's gonna need you when she comes out the other side of this." She was all too familiar with the hurtful words that drunks were capable of throwing around like candy at Halloween and she knew that Jane was not going to be the exception, not on this night.

Maura had arrived in time to see the rage that had consumed Jane when she had pushed Cate into the refrigerator and she could tell that the prison officer was clearly concerned for her well being, but Cate didn't know Jane like she did. How could she? She couldn't possibly know that there was no way Jane would lay a hand on her, that Jane would rather die than let anybody hurt her. As for the words that Jane might throw her way, she knew that they could run the spectrum from truthful, hurt, angry, sarcastic and she might even downright lie. She knew this and she knew the words were going to hurt; she had no doubt because just seeing Jane so clearly not herself hurt enough already. Seeing Jane kiss another woman, that had hurt too, but she refused to judge the situation until she had more information.

Maura flattened out her skirt and stood tall in her four inch heels, "I'm not going anywhere and you can let her go, she won't hurt me."

Catherine shot another look over her shoulder at the medical examiner and resigned herself to allowing Jane a little closer, but she kept herself in between the two women because she was not going to make the same mistake she had made in the past. She just wasn't leaving another woman unprotected from an angry drunk.

Jane looked past the prison officer who may as well been invisible at that point, all she cared about was making sure Maura felt the same damn hurt she did. "So you wanna know why I kissed her? Cos she makes me feel good Maura, she always has. She makes me forget!"

"Come on Jane, don't do this." Catherine begged, believing that the self destruction was only going to get worse. Knowing that there were only so many hurtful words a person can come back from. "Do you really wanna push her any further away? Because that woman loves you Jane, sure as hell any lesser woman wouldn't be standing there taking this shit from you!"

"Well you raise a good point Rook; that one is so good at running away I'm surprised she's still standing there." Jane shoved Catherine pushing her back towards Maura, "You know she just couldn't resist falling into bed with a woman fuckin' manipulated into her life right Rook? She couldn't hold on, she couldn't wait for me…" She spat her words out angrily, falling over them a little as her brain and mouth had trouble keeping up with one another.

A quick glance over her shoulder told Catherine that the words were hitting home, she could see tears glistening on Maura's face. Turning back to Jane she did the only thing she could think of doing to draw the focus completely back on to her. "You don't deserve her Jane. She deserves more than you." She was pretty sure she heard a surprised gasp come from behind her, but she was too busy ducking the roundhouse Jane had thrown her way, tackling Jane under her arms and driving her back though the apartment and into the bedroom where she pushed Jane down onto her bed and growled, "Just fuckin' stay down!"

Jane clambered back onto her feet and charged at the rookie, only to be pushed back onto her ass. "You can't keep me from her," she growled.

"Actually I can," she said coldly as she yanked open the top drawer of the bedside bureau and pulled out the cuffs she had found during her cleaning session earlier in the week. She snapped one cuff onto Jane's wrist and the other to one of the support poles on the bed head. "Now just shut the fuck up and let me handle this."

_Now for the hard part._ Catherine sucked in a deep breath and tried to calm her nerves as she pulled the bedroom door closed behind her and walked over to where Maura still stood, looking a little shocked. "The kiss didn't mean anything Doctor Isles; it was nothing more than a bone headed piss poor decision."

"It means she still finds you sexually attractive." Maura wasn't in the mood to skirt around the issue. She knew enough to know that the history between Jane and Cate complicated things and during an emotionally charged encounter with inhibitions lowered by alcohol it was an entirely logical action to have taken place. An entirely logical and painful action that she had had the misfortune of viewing, but she surmised having seen everything that had transpired that she had a healthier understanding of the true meaning, rather than being forced to extrapolate meanings if she had merely been told about the encounter, which she had no doubt she would have been told.

She eyed Cate carefully, "You're in love with Jane, aren't you?"

Catherine shifted uncomfortably on the spot feeling very intimidated by the woman standing before her. The way with which she had slipped into a calm collected analytical mode after moments before being bombarded with a range of emotional stimuli astounded her. She wouldn't be this calm in this situation, heck she wouldn't still be standing there talking to any woman who had been kissed in front of her by someone she loved. "I… yes."

"Good."

"Good?" Catherine tried to find some sort of emotional explanation in the hazel eyes of the doctor but realised that the calmness had extended there too. _What the hell is this woman a robot or something?_

Maura could tell that she was confusing the woman in front of her and she realised that social conventions would normally dictate a more emotional reaction in this situation, but she had made the decision to leave Jane. She had made that decision and regardless of whether she deemed it too soon for Jane to be entertaining thoughts of other women, she had no right to judge or interfere. In fact she was relieved to some extent, knowing that someone out there might be able to help Jane through a painful transition. "She's going to need you, because I cannot rescind the termination of our relationship."

Catherine ran a hand through her hair, she was completely perplexed and starting to feel a little pissed off on Jane's behalf. "Can you not see how damn heartbroken she is? I can't fix that Doctor Isles, only you can."

"Jane needs help and I believe you are more than capable of doing that. I witnessed your protective streak first hand; while I initially assumed you were solely protecting me, I realised that you were protecting Jane too. You were trying to prevent her from saying things that couldn't be taken back. Very honourable, she is lucky to have you."

She sighed, clearly exasperated, "She doesn't want me to fix it Doctor Isles, she wants you to."

"I cannot, but please, call me Maura." The medical examiner extended her hand to the woman she was entrusting Jane's emotional and physical wellbeing to.

Catherine shook the hand offered wondering what on earth else she could say to make it clear to this woman that she was it for Jane; that no one else would ever compare. That she didn't want to compare, that she didn't want to be second best, that Jane was as close to alienating her as she was trying to do with Maura before. "Jane finally let you see her weakness Maura, she let you in. Yeah it was hurtful and spiteful and utter rubbish, but she let you in. You gotta make it right with her or I don't even think I can save her."

Maura furrowed her brow thoughtfully, it was indeed true that Jane had bared her soul in ways she hadn't done before; but it didn't change things, Doyle was still out there. "It is more complicated than you know Cate, for Jane's safety I have to keep my distance. Honestly I shouldn't have come here tonight."

That was the in she had been looking for, that chink in the armour. "If you shouldn't have come here tonight, then why did you?"

Maura sighed clearly aware of what the prison officer was trying to do. "Please don't fight me on this."

"You know what? I am, I am going to fight you on this because I do love Jane, I love her enough to let her go, I love her enough to want her to be happy and I sure as hell ain't the one who can make that happen." She grabbed Maura by the hand and dragged her through the apartment door and up the stairs to the roof despite the protestations she received. On the roof she pointed to the ledge, "Right there, that's where I found her last week, standing there one moment away from ending up on your damn table!"

The shock of being dragged around by the prison officer made way for a more heartbreaking despair as she was confronted with how serious the issues were for her love. She looked at Cate and then wandered over to the spot she had been pointing to, looking down she shuddered. _Oh Jane._ Still there was only so much she could do; she pulled one of her business cards out of her purse and pressed it into Cate's hand when she returned to the woman. "I love Jane very much and I always will; but I cannot be in a relationship with her. I've given you my card so that you can pass my details along to the rehab centre you take her to, I will pay for treatment, anything she needs, but I cannot be with her again. If she needs anything, you call me and I will make it available."

Catherine looked down at the card and back up at Maura. She was so confused; it was more than obvious that Maura was telling the truth about how much she loved Jane. She just didn't understand loving someone so much but refusing to be with them. "Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why offer to cover all her expenses? Why love her but refuse to be with her? Please tell me it isn't because of that kiss?" She would never forgive herself if the kiss had anything to with it.

Maura offered a sad smile, "I know Jane loves me, I know she was just hurting and as you said before, being a little boneheaded. So no, the kiss has nothing to do with my decision."

"Then why?"

"I can't tell you, because you love her and I know that would cause you to tell her, and if you tell her I won't be able to stop her fighting this decision. I can't have that." The conversation was over, Maura turned on her heels and retreated to the stairs, and out of Jane's life, at least, so she hoped.


	15. Chapter 15: Just Give Me A Reason

**Chapter Fifteen: Just Give Me a Reason**

_Oh, tear ducts and rust  
I'll fix it for us  
We're collecting dust  
But our love's enough  
You're holding it in  
You're pouring a drink  
No nothing is as bad as it seems  
We'll come clean_

_\- P!nk, "Just Give Me a Reason" from the album "The Truth About Love"._

* * *

Catherine leaned back against the bedroom door, arms folded across her chest as she eyed Jane carefully. She had unlocked the cuffs and moved away, Jane appeared to have calmed down but she wasn't keen to get too close either way. "You've really gone and done it now Jane," her voice was low in warning, but tinged with sadness.

The Italian rubbed her wrist gingerly, she had tugged hard for a couple of minutes trying to free herself, despite knowing all too well she had no chance of that happening. She now sat cross legged on her bed, staring pensively at her friend, troubled by everything that had taken place. She was still inebriated, she had no doubt, but the fog of rage had evaporated and she was now left with the sadness that came with the knowledge of her actions. "She's done with me ain't she?"

"She says she is," she paused thoughtfully as she replayed her conversation with Maura in her mind, there had been clear signs that the medical examiner wasn't angry about what she had witnessed and yet she had still chosen to walk away. Catherine gave an exasperated sigh; these two women were so complicated it hurt. "But I don't know Jane; I think there's more going on here than she's telling us."

"Did she say something?" Jane was hoping there had been something, anything to give her hope of reconciliation.

"I don't know, she just seemed so calm and determined and honestly it just doesn't add up. How the hell can someone be that calm after what she saw?"

Jane thought back to the very few times Maura had ever been truly angry with her, it was always the silence she had to be afraid of – the calm before the storm. Was that what Cate had witnessed? She sure hoped not, an instant emotional reaction from the doctor was easier to deal with. "What about her eyes, were they as calm as her outward presentation?"

"Actually yes, that was something I looked for and noticed. She was so damn calm Jane; I don't know what to make of it." She wasn't sure that Jane would fair any better in her drunken state either, but she didn't know when else they would get the chance to have this conversation; not once the topic of rehabilitation was broached.

The more she tried to decipher the information she was given the more confused she felt. From the get go Maura's actions hadn't made sense; she just wasn't the sort to give up over one little bump in the road; not over one indiscretion. She knew that all Paddy's interferences had been stressing Maura out, it was what she had said when she had melted down in her arms before handing the ring back; it still didn't make sense. "I just wish she would talk to me."

Catherine frowned, "I think she would have Jane, if she didn't show up to your drunken rage. You need to deal with this tendency of yours to turn to booze to fix your problems."

"Please don't start Rook, I know okay? I know." She flopped back on the bed, uncurling her legs as she fell so that she was now flat on her back and stretched out. She had really messed up.

"Jane?"

"Yeah?"

"Why did you kiss me?"

The vulnerability she heard in Catherine's voice shot physical pangs of guilt through her gut. She had screwed up that night in more ways than one; it wasn't just Maura she had hurt. She sat up and studied the rookie for a few moments, considering the best way to answer the question. Finally she spoke, "I dunno Cate, it just… it felt right." And it had, in that moment, but afterwards, afterwards it felt like a monumental mistake.

Catherine sighed; of course Jane would say that. "It wasn't right Jane."

"I know that now, didn't know it in the moment. Honestly I just wanted you to shut up, everything you were saying about me being like your father… I just needed you to stop." Her eyes found a spot on the floor to focus on as meeting the gaze of the prison officer was no longer an option. Facing the truth of her actions was more than she could handle without the withering look being sent her way. "I couldn't stand being a disappointment to you too."

"You didn't disappoint me Jane. You scared me." She knew she couldn't deal with another violent outburst like earlier again; she couldn't put herself in harms away if Jane refused to get help, no matter how much she loved the woman. "I wanna be here for you Jane, I really do…"

"But not if I don't acknowledge I have a problem, right?" She couldn't really blame Catherine for having reached her breaking point; the similarities were hauntingly true. She was an angry drunk and that was a dangerous proposition for anyone in her life, especially once her anger escalated from verbal to physical. It was inevitable that if she kept going down this path she would end up doing something she couldn't take back, either to herself or someone she loved. That thought was rather sobering and petrifying to Jane.

Catherine pushed away from the door and crossed over to the bed where she sat down next to Jane. "Yeah. You gotta get help for this Jane, I can't do it for you and the booze sure as hell can't do it for you." She stared down at her shoes, torn between comforting her friend and not initiating too much contact. "And I can't be your drug either."

Jane turned her gaze from the floor to Catherine, "I know."

"I'm serious Jane. No matter what happens here on out, I don't want there to be any sexual relationship between us. It just can't happen, and Lord knows I can't blame you for wanting comfort, but you used me like a drug last time Jane, you'd only end up doing the same again if we cross that line." She looked around and met Jane's guilt laden eyes, "You need to get clean of all your addictions."

* * *

"Spencer honey, I'm so sorry to have to cancel tonight," Cailin spoke quietly into her cell phone while maintaining vigil on her clearly distraught sister whose body heaved with every sob that wracked her body. "It's Maura, she's not having a good time of it right now and I need to put her first tonight. So glad you understand, I'll talk to you soon I promise. Goodnight."

Cailin put her phone down on the mantle and strode across the room quickly, sat down next to her older sister and pulled her into a comforting hug. She knew that hugs were something her sister struggled with and half expected to be rebuffed, she was quite surprised when Maura wrapped her arms around her waist and held on tightly. "Hey, it's going to be okay Maura, it _is_ going to be okay," she tried to sooth.

Maura clung to her sibling for several minutes before reluctantly letting go and pulling away. She dabbed at her tears with a handkerchief and tried to return her features to a more neutral state, failing miserably. She wore her sadness as she spoke, "I'm so sorry Cailin, I didn't stop to think you may have plans. I should go."

Cailin placed her hands warmly over Maura's which now sat limply on her lap. "No, Maura you come first; besides Spencer understands. Now you wanna tell me what's going on?"

_What's going on? Where do I begin?_ The medical examiner's mind raced as thought upon highly emotional and sometimes irrational thought bombarded her consciousness. Finally she spat out the one thing that she had believed she was okay with, "I walked in on Jane kissing another woman."

Cailin was gobsmacked. There were apparently a few things her sister had neglected to mention the last time they spoke because there was no way she could see Jane kissing another woman within a week of being single against her will. "Can we rewind this back to the beginning Maura? I feel like I am missing some pertinent details, and who the hell was Jane kissing?"

Maura ran through the facts in her head making sure she had them straight before answering, "Jane had a relationship with a prison officer while she was incarcerated. Jane failed to mention Cate to me until circumstances were such that she didn't have a choice; she even lied to me about it Cailin." She sighed, "And it was Cate she was kissing earlier this evening."

None of what she was being told made any sense to Cailin, she knew Jane loved her sister, at least she had thought she did; she wasn't so sure anymore. She stifled the instant reaction of anger she felt, instead leaning towards more fact finding. "Is this the true reason why you broke off the engagement?"

"No. Please don't be angry with Jane; she didn't deliberately set out to deceive me and nor do I really think the kiss meant anything. It's just… it hurts more than I realised an inconsequential action could." She had seen the anger in her sister's eyes and had wanted to quell it immediately. She needed help processing the emotions that felt so unfamiliar; she didn't want Cailin thinking ill of Jane.

"Of course it hurt," Cailin scoffed, "She fucking kissed another woman in front of you!" She paled a little at the withering stare she received regarding her choice of words, "Maura it is only natural that you would be upset."

"Why? We are broken up, what right do I have to feel awful about this? I have put Jane through so much, walking out on her, letting her think it is her fault. It isn't." Maura sighed and blinked back more tears that were threatening to escape. The memory of Cate showing her the spot on the roof Jane nearly leapt from invaded her brain and she felt herself go pale. _My God I am so heartless. My poor sweet Jane, what did I do to you?_ "I broke her Cailin… I broke her."

Her younger sister looked at her thoughtfully deciding that a change of tact was necessary. Maura need to take action, not dwell. "Then what are you going to do to fix it? If I am to believe you when you say she didn't set out to hurt you and that isn't the real reason behind your leaving her, then do something about it. Don't sit here crying Maura, _do_ something; Doyle be damned!"

Maura shook her head slowly, "I can't. Cate is there for her, Cate can help her. I've done enough already."

Cailin rolled her eyes feeling especially petulant in that moment. "You are so broken over this Maura. Go to Jane, talk to her, tell her your fears and figure it out _together_! You can't let Cate be the one to fix this Maura. You will lose Jane if you do." _And then I'll lose you_.

* * *

**A/N: Okay, sorry about this taking a couple days. I was busy with a fluffy one shot yesterday, as apparently even I have a little sappy in me. As usual thank you to everyone for reading. I appreciate all reviewers and readers. Please if you haven't already, and fluff is your thing, check out A Life That Is Good, and also if you like things a little darker... check out At Death's Door... which I hope to finish tonight, and if not tonight, within the next couple of days.**


	16. Chapter 16: The Dance

**Chapter Sixteen: The Dance**

It would have been close to 11pm when Maura returned home, having spent hours talking with Cailin and thinking about her next move. Her younger sister had almost begged her to just go and talk to Jane and she was close to relenting; but had decided to wait until the following day. She wanted Jane to be sober for their conversation.

Trapped in her thoughts and exhausted from the day Maura let herself in the side door, dumped her purse and keys on the kitchen island and headed straight for the stairs, navigating the dark via memory. She just wanted to find the comforting confines of bed before dealing with the mess she had made of her life in the light of a new day.

"How many times have I told you to make sure to lock the door, Maur?"

She froze on the spot, exhaling in relief when her brain caught up with processing the owner of the voice. "What are you doing here Jane?"

"Waiting for you; I was starting to think maybe you got a call out or something." Jane knew she was taking a risk by pushing things, but her talk with Cate had reminded her that the first person she needed to make right with was Maura.

Maura flicked on a lamp so that there was a little light on the situation, turning around she followed the voice and saw the silhouette of Jane sitting on the couch. "No, I was visiting with Cailin."

"Oh," she sounded crestfallen, "Were you telling her what a jackass I was?"

"How did you get here Jane? Please tell me you didn't drive!" Maura deflected, choosing instead to focus on something more pertinent in her mind.

"I had Cate drop me off then sent her home. She can't fix me Maur," she sighed heavily, "You can't either."

Giving up any pretence in her mind that she could keep Jane at arms length Maura joined Jane on the couch and pulled the Italian into her arms. She placed several soothing kisses on top of the dark head of hair tucked against her chest. "It's going to be okay Jane." She was guessing and she knew it, but she felt she had already done so much damage to her love that she had to try and be reassuring.

"Where did we go wrong Maur?" Jane asked through sobs that caused her body to jerk involuntarily.

"I failed you Jane. You gave all that you could," she paused reluctant to admit the truth out loud, yet alone to herself. Finally finding a well of courage to draw upon she finished her thought, "I saw you slipping away and instead of fighting to pull you back to me, I found a reason to justify my fears. I found a reason to pull away." She felt ashamed. She had spent so long in the last week convincing herself that the threat of Paddy was the only reason she pulled away that she had brushed aside the insecurities that prompted she find a reason to escape in the first place.

Jane clung tightly to her love, fully aware of the vulnerable place they were both in and fully aware that once again Maura was opening up to her, and once again she was afraid to open up in return and she knew she had been doing this the whole time they had been together. She would get Maura to open up and then instead of returning the favour she would shut down. She sighed, no wonder Maura must have felt like she was slipping away. "I can't Maura; I want to, but I can't."

Maura placed several more kisses on that head of hair she adored before pulling herself out of the embrace. "I'm tired Jane, I just want to go to bed." She was hurt; she had tried to let Jane in, but as usual Jane just couldn't open up enough to let her in too. She resigned herself to the fact that she was never going to be good enough for Jane.

_Good one Rizzoli, repeat the same mistakes and watch her slip further away._ "Wait," finally taking a moment to look at Maura she realised the woman must have spent half the night in tears; her eyes were all puffy and bloodshot. She swallowed hard; she hated being the cause of Maura's tears. Standing from the couch she extended a hand to the blonde, "Dance with me?"

There was something hidden in the depths of Jane's eyes that caused Maura to accept the invitation. She took the hand offered and followed as her love led them around behind the couch to a more open space. She watched intently as Jane plugged her iPod into the speaker dock and selected a specific song for them to dance to. She melted into Jane's body when the Italian returned to her.

Jane rested her chin on Maura's shoulder and whispered, "I knew I would struggle, so I found this song to speak for me." She pressed play on the remote before pocketing it and placing her hand on the blonde's waist; her other hand wrapped around into the small of the doctor's back as she pulled her close to sway with the sound of the piano that indicated the beginning of the song.

"_Looking back on the memory of the dance we shared 'neath the stars above, for a moment all the world was right, how could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye. And now I'm glad I didn't know, the way it all would end the way it all would go, our lives are better left to chance, I could have missed the pain but I'd have had to miss the dance…_"

Jane felt Maura shudder in her arms as the words floated around them and found a place in each of their hearts. She knew when the song ended she would have to open up, because if she didn't the literal interpreter in Maura might see the song as an acceptance on the end of them. She would never accept that, but she knew that she had work to do. She tightened her grip on the woman in her arms and whispered, "I would never trade the time I have had with you Maur."

"_Holding you I held everything, for a moment wasn't I a king, but if I'd only known how the king would fall, hey who's to say you know I might have changed it all. And now I'm glad I didn't know, the way it all would end the way it all would go, our lives are better left to chance, I could have missed the pain but I'd have had to miss the dance…_"

Continuing to use the music and the closeness of their embrace as they swayed slowly to the music as a source of courage Jane whispered, "I wasn't ready; I was scared and I know it seemed like I always had one foot out the door. I'm sorry Maur."

"_Yes my life is better left to chance, I could have missed the pain but I would have had to miss the dance."_

The piano that had introduced the song slowly played its way out as the words faded and their embrace continued. Jane pulled the remote from her pocket and switched the song off; the last thing she wanted was the moment to be interrupted by a Katy Perry song or something equally loud and boisterous. It was a time for being serious; a time for honesty and healing. "I know I've made so many mistakes. I know I've hurt you, but I wouldn't change it because if I did I might still only be half in on us. You deserve more than that Maura, you deserve it all. I wanna give you all of me; but it's gonna take time."

Maura had clung to Jane for the entirety of the song and had felt every single note and word penetrate her heart; but then Jane had started speaking from some place she'd locked away and the doctor had clung more tightly, as tears laced her cheek. She didn't dare say anything in case Jane retreated from the place of openness she had reached. She needed to feel close to this part of her love, she needed to feel trusted with Jane's deepest feelings and she was petrified of saying the wrong thing.

"I know that there's more going on than you've told me too. I know that you have reasons for breaking my heart, but you gotta let me in on them Maur… you gotta give me a chance to fix this, to fix us." Jane pulled back from the lingering embrace so that she could see the doctor's eyes, "Talk to me, please?"

"I… I don't know what to say." Maura choked back more tears, as she looked away from the searching gaze of her love. It was too much, she was feeling overwhelmed and so she did the only thing she could, she backed away slowly.

Jane's eyes darkened momentarily as she processed what was happening. "No," she said firmly as she used her longer stride to eradicate the distance between them. "You do not get to walk away from this conversation." She crowded Maura and steered her back into the hall wall, so that she was trapped. "Just talk to me, please?"

"Jane, what are you doing?" She didn't feel comfortable being closed in; she didn't feel comfortable at all.

"You're scared, I get that Maur; but don't run from me. Don't do this, not when I have finally opened up to you. Don't shut me out." Jane pleaded, desperate to get through the walls she saw being erected in front of her.

Anger welled in Maura when she heard those words, and without even processing her actions she slapped Jane's cheek hard. "Don't you dare Jane Rizzoli. Don't you fucking dare tell me to open up to you when all you have done is shut me out! Just because now you want to open up I am supposed to feel ready to let you back in?" Her hand shot to her mouth when she realised what she had done, both physically and verbally. She wanted to apologise, but she couldn't. She was afraid of what else would slip out if she opened her mouth again.

For a moment Jane just stared at Maura, her features painted with the shock the sting to her cheek had elicited, but then slowly a smile curled at her lips and she chuckled a little. "Language, Maur."

Relief flooded the medical examiner when she realised that she hadn't angered the Italian. "Jane, I…" she was silenced by the gentlest of kisses.

Pulling back from the brief grazing of lips Jane pressed her forehead against Maura's. "Don't apologise, I deserved every word."

She brushed the back of her hand against the cheek she had slapped, "Maybe the words, but not that."

Jane smiled and stepped back a little, "No, I am pretty sure I deserved that too."

Maura sighed, all too aware of Jane's departure from her personal space. She longed to have the woman close to her again and as such made a bold decision; slipping past the Italian she held out her hand, "Come to bed Jane."

* * *

**A/N: Okaaay so let the healing begin, but please don't make any assumptions just yet... there is a long road to recovery here (and loads more they need to discuss)... that said, do you think Jane will go to bed with Maura? And if she does what are they going to end up doing? Love to hear your thoughts... I mean I already know the answer... but I am curious as to where you all think that invite might go.**

_Song: The Dance by Garth Brooks from the eponymous album.  
_


	17. Chapter 17: Sleep

**Chapter Seventeen: Sleep**

_I want to lay down on your shoulder  
Just inside your arm  
I want to listen to your heart beat  
And your breathing on and on  
I want to lay down on your shoulder  
Surrender to your peace  
And go to sleep_

_\- Melissa Etheridge, "Sleep" from the album "Breakdown"_

* * *

The deeper emotion that Jane located in the hopeful hazel eyes staring back at her waiting for an answer told Jane all she needed to know. She accepted the hand offered and followed Maura into the bedroom. Tonight was about reconnecting on an intimate level but not a sexually intimate one. Maura needed to be held and maybe she needed to talk some more, Jane wasn't overly sure about that aspect, but the need to be held was obvious.

The pair prepared for bed in silence, with Jane stripping down to her tank and boxers and propping herself up against the bed head a little so that she could welcome Maura into the crook of her arm. The doctor placed her head down on the Italian's chest and wrapped an arm around her torso. The steady rhythm of Jane's breathing soothed her as the gentle rise and fall beneath her cheek lulled her into sleep.

Jane was too wired for sleep, which was the other reason she had propped herself up. Her hand nearest the doctor traced patterns against the silky pyjamas that adorned her medical examiner. The covers were only drawn half way up their bodies, as the heat of summer was still in full swing and Maura hardly used her air conditioning given that she would normally sleep in the nude. Light from the lamp on Jane's side of the bed provided enough illumination for the Italian to study her love as she slept.

Her heart ached the longer she held Maura as the realisation struck her that it had been a long time since she had simply held her love for the sake of holding her. She'd probably held Maura more intimately when they were only friends than she had done for the majority of their romantic relationship. Prison and everything that had come with it had changed their dynamic more than she could have imagined and more than she had known. She wiped roughly at her cheek with her free hand to remove the tears that she felt escape.

Jane loved the woman curled up against her chest more than she could express with words; that had never been a problem before her incarceration. Even with their friendship her actions had always spoken more loudly than her words. It was different now; she had to find words because her actions had let them both down. She had been cold in more ways than she had known; settling more for sexual intimacy as her way of showing love, but that had never been what they were about. Sex was just one more addition to their relationship; but she had forgotten to nurture the friendship. A soft sigh escaped her lips as she sorted through her thoughts; she had a lot of work to do to help Maura believe in her once again. She had a lot of work to do so that she could believe in herself again too.

Maura whimpering in her sleep drew the Italian's attention away from her own feelings and caused her to wonder what it was her love was dreaming about. She placed several soft kisses to the top of her love's head hoping that the comfort would seep through to her subconscious as she dreamed. "It's okay Maur, I'm right here love." She whispered soothingly.

"Are you?" Despite the sleepy haze from which it had emerged, the question that had escaped Maura's lips was very pointed. The medical examiner tilted her head so she could make eye contact with Jane. Her sleep filled eyes gave away the sense of despair that had long fallen over her heart. Even when she was there, most often times Jane was elsewhere trapped in her pain and it had taken its toll on Maura.

"I'm here," Jane reiterated in complete understanding of the true meaning of the question.

Maura tilted her head back down so that her eyesight was once again away from Jane's dark chocolate orbs. She didn't want to show Jane how lonely she had been feeling; she preferred to communicate it verbally. "Because it hasn't felt like you've been here for a long time Jane."

"I know." A strong feeling of sadness enveloped her, "I've been lost Maur."

"I miss my best friend."

Jane smiled sadly at this; it was exactly what she had been thinking about as she had watched Maura sleep. "She misses you too."

Her grip on Jane's torso tightened, "Will she ever come back to me, Jane?"

"I hope so." She wanted to say yes, but she didn't want to lie, because the truth was she didn't know. She had to get help; that was all she knew for sure. She didn't know how to be Maura's friend anymore; she didn't know how to be anybody's friend. "I know she loves you very much and she's gonna fight her hardest to get back to you."

"I hope so too, because I had to break up with my lover so that my friend might find me again." She smiled against Jane's tank top and placed several gentle kisses on her chest.

Jane couldn't help the chuckle that escaped her lips. She knew there was a whole lot of truth in the attempted humour but she was proud of her medical examiner for trying to lighten the mood. "I think that was smart Maura. Lovers come and go, but really good friends, they're forever."

"Some lovers come more than others." She lifted her head so that Jane could see the humour in her eyes, she was a little proud of her play on words.

"Doctor Isles, I do believe that it is very unbecoming of a lady to…" Jane's belly shook with laughter as she found herself unable to finish her mock lecture. "God I have missed this Maur."

Maura placed her head back down on the comfortable chest of her love, "I've missed you too, Jane."

They both went quiet for a little while after this as they contemplated the state of their relationship. The humour that had been in the air dissipated quickly as the many issues they still had to deal with started bursting their way back into the forefront of both their minds. Finally Maura broke the silence, "I'm scared I've lost you to your demons."

"I'm tryin' to fight 'em, I truly am." Jane wasn't sure how much Maura knew about the depths she had fallen recently, as Cate hadn't said too much about the conversation they had shared. It petrified her to admit how far she had fallen, especially in front of Maura, but she knew she had to. "I need to tell you how bad it's gotten, but I don't want you to feel responsible."

Maura shifted positions so that she too was now propped against the bed head, wanting to be able to focus fully on the conversation. "I cannot attest to whether or not I will feel responsible until after you talk to me."

"That little box I like to shove my feelings down into couldn't hold it all back anymore. Everything that has been weighing me down became too much to handle after you left me." She paused for a moment to study the emotions that flickered across her love's face. "It's not your fault. In fact I am certain leaving me was the best thing you could have done for both of us."

"I'm not so sure it was the best thing Jane; I handled it all so very badly." Maura took to studying her cuticles, feeling too ashamed to meet the softness that had been staring back at her.

"You mean like I handled our entire relationship after I got out? No, you did the right thing; even though it hurt, it had to happen." She reached out and entwined fingers with Maura's. "The thing is I drink too much Maura and you know it, we both know it. I've found it to be easier to lose myself in drunken stupors than to deal with it all."

"I did notice, yes." Maura offered up meekly before waiting for Jane to continue.

"And it worked ya know? Not in a healthy way obviously, but for the longest time it worked; until you left. Then it just got ugly. I destroyed my apartment Maur, like I mean full on F5 tornado destroyed it. I just wanted so much for it all to stop. In some ways I still do." She sighed, it was comforting that Maura was listening intently and not at all judging her, but she knew the worst of it was to come. "Last weekend I stood on the ledge of the roof of my apartment building and I think I would have jumped too, if it weren't for Cate."

"I know. She dragged me to the roof to show me the spot she found you. I've let you down Jane. I am supposed to be your best friend above and beyond any other intimacy in our relationship. I should have tried to do more about your struggles. I should not have taken away your lifeline." Maura looked up through her tears at the woman she loved, "I let you down."

"No Maur. I came back from prison broken. I hid it from you as much as I could, and yeah okay we both know I drank more than I used to, but I gave you a happy façade. You weren't to know." Jane tried to reassure, but she didn't think it was going to work.

"You didn't just use alcohol Jane, you used sex, you didn't hold me, you didn't talk to me; I knew you were broken. I was just so scared that if I forced you to confront your demons I would lose you. But the reality is I lost you the moment they locked you up. You're not the Jane I fell in love with."

"I know." It was the truth she had battled with since her release. She wasn't the person Maura had fallen in love with, no matter how hard she tried, she just couldn't be that person. "I've been waiting for you to realise that."

"That doesn't mean that I don't still love you, that I am not still in love with you Jane, because I am. I just wish I could make you see that, because I need you to come back to me." Maura realised she sounded desperate, but she was. She feared losing Jane to many things, her father included, but to lose Jane to her demons was something she couldn't stomach. "I need you to win this fight."

"I'm gonna do all I can to get through this Maur. I'm gonna check into a rehab facility to get past the drinking. I've gotta do this for me." Jane knew having accepted that she needed help was the hardest step and that she stood a much better chance of coming out the other side because of it, but she still felt great trepidation. "I love you so much Maur and Lord knows all I want is for you to take me back, but I can't ask that of you until I've done this ya know? I just… will you wait for me?"

Maura turned, leaned into Jane and kissed her softly. "You know my heart belongs to you and only you. I cannot say what will become of us when you complete treatment, but I know that I will always be yours."

"And I yours." Jane pulled Maura into her and held her tightly. For the first time in a long time she felt like there was hope in her life again.

* * *

**A/N: My thanks as always to those who read and review. I'm sorry this took a litle longer than usual, I've had that other story in my head a bit. I hope this chapter helps paint a better picture of where the pair have been emotionally in the previous year. As usual I look forward to hearing your thoughts.**

**Addendum: To the guest readers out there, (especially the one whose nasty review I approved so people can see how NOT to review) please understand one thing... NOT EVERY SINGLE DAMN ISSUE these women have has been discussed this chapter. If you're not so blind you will see that Maura is trying to take a lot of responsibility for her actions... Jane choosing to blame herself is HER DEAL... Gosh I am so over the people who are expecting this to be resolved 1, 2, 3... We just happen to finally found out more about Jane's behaviour in the relationship (the DRINKING has been hinted at since Reckoning).**

**To all the lovely guest readers and reviewers this isn't aimed at you, but when guests come along and belittle me and don't even have the guts to sign in so I can respond to their concerns... Well I'm over it. **

**Oh and in case you actually wonder - the reason Maura hasn't brought up the Paddy stuff yet is because she doesn't want to distract Jane from the help she has decided to get. So yeah. Patience is a virtue.**


	18. Chapter 18: The Light of Day

**Chapter Eighteen: The Light Of Day**

Waking up with Maura wrapped tightly around her torso caused conflicting emotions in Jane. She was happy because it finally felt right to be there in the arms of her love, but she still held great anxiety about the future and whether or not Maura would be there waiting when she completed rehabilitation. It was hard not to doubt given recent history, but then she had been the one to push away first and she had followed up by not committing all to the subsequent relationship when it had finally developed. She decided that regardless of her fears she couldn't let them deter her from what needed to be done. If it was meant to be then Maura would be waiting for her when she came out the other side and if it wasn't she would cross that particular bridge when she came to it.

Reluctantly Jane slipped out of the doctor's grasp to answer the call of nature and shower. She had a lot to do, namely find a suitable rehabilitation facility and break the news to her family. The thought of telling her mother was almost enough to scare her sober without the need for rehabilitation, Angela was not going to take the news well. She knew that the news was going to be a disappointment to her mother, and it pained her that she had allowed herself to slip so far. She'd behaved worse than Tommy ever had; even if she hadn't run a priest over. She'd hurt the woman she loved, that was infinitely worse in her books.

When Jane emerged from the bathroom, one towel wrapped around her body and another wrapped around her hair, she discovered that Maura had awoken and left the room. Quickly she dried off and slipped into a pair of jeans and a Patriots hoodie and tied her hair back into a ponytail. She then went downstairs in search of coffee and Maura.

"How's your head?" Maura asked, leaning uncharacteristically against the kitchen bench, her hands wrapped around her mug of coffee.

"Not too bad, I actually thought to hydrate before I came over last night." By which she meant Cate had made sure she drank a couple of litres of water before she would drive her to Maura's. "And I ate a little something." Again at Cate's behest, and if Jane was honest she was grateful for the encouragement. She eyed a mug of fresh coffee sitting on the kitchen island, and despite knowing it was meant for her she double checked, "That for me?"

"Yes." In the light of the new day Maura had erected some of the emotional barriers once more, not really being sure what she would see from Jane after the night's upheaval.

"Thanks." Jane greedily drank down the hot liquid; it was just what she needed. She stood focusing on the mug in front of her when she wasn't devouring it, looking up at Maura only briefly. Everything suddenly felt awkward, which she wasn't sure what to do with. They had spent an intimate night really breaking down their feelings and sleeping in each others arms, but now the dust had settled cold reality was trying to punch its way back in. She decided to go out on a limb and open herself up potentially for more serious conversation, "How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine." Maura turned around to rinse her mug, not feeling up to meeting a searching gaze. She had effectively dodged the question, focusing on the fact that physically she was feeling fine. If she would have said that about her emotional feelings, she would have broken out in hives.

There was one thing Jane knew for sure; when a woman said she was _fine_ she was not fine. Personal experience and a year of virtually living with Maura had taught her that. Never mind that she could detect evasive Maura a mile away. "Emotionally, Maur. How are you feeling emotionally?"

"Hurt. Angry. Afraid."

The Italian could see the tension oozing from her love's body as she tightened up over the sink. She wanted to cross the distance between them and just pull Maura into her arms, but she knew that it was probably not the best time for that. "Care to elaborate?"

Maura turned and fixed Jane with a pained look; no she really didn't care to elaborate, but felt she was in no position to decline the question. "I'm hurt that you kissed Cate. I'm angry with myself for pushing you to that extreme and I'm afraid that we won't make it out the other side of all this."

"What else are you afraid of?" An ache was building in her chest, but she knew that this was the pivotal conversation. There was still so much unsaid between them that they both needed to process and with her intention to be gone for at least two weeks with rehabilitation, they needed to float their fears to begin to clear the air now.

Maura shook her head softly and walked past Jane, "I can't do this right now."

_Damnit, no I am not letting you walk away from this._ Despite knowing it could back fire badly, Jane wrapped her arms around Maura's waist from behind and pulled her solidly into a hug. "I'm afraid of hurting you again. I'm afraid of hurting myself. I'm afraid of failing at what needs to be done and losing myself to the bottle." The initial tenseness she had felt from Maura gave away as the blonde allowed Jane to swallow her in her arms. "But mostly, I'm afraid of Ma."

Maura couldn't bring herself to laugh at the last comment, but she allowed a small smile. She turned around in Jane's arms and looked searchingly into the dark eyes staring back at her; she found nothing but love and concern. She wrapped her arms around her love and pressed her head against the Italian's chest. "I'm afraid that you, this you, the open with your feelings version of you will disappear on me again."

Jane planted several tender kisses against the top of her love's head and rubbed circles on her back. "I'm afraid of that too Maur, cause I know that means I am still losing myself and I don't wanna be lost anymore. I want you to feel safe with me again."

"When you hold me like this, I feel safe."

"Good." She pulled out to arms length, "I know none of this is easy and trust me this is no picnic for me either. My gut is churning and I feel like with every sentence you begin my heart might just shatter into a million pieces, but we gotta do this now. We gotta get it all out, 'cause I plan to be in rehab by tomorrow."

Maura nodded slowly, resigned to the fact that there wasn't going to be a better time to finish the conversation they had started the night before. She took Jane by the hand and led her over to the couch where they both sat down; knees tucked underneath themselves as they faced one another. "What I saw last night Jane, it bothers me a lot."

"I'm so sorry you had to see me let you down like that. I shouldn't have kissed her; it was wrong on so many levels."

"Yes that hurt me Jane, but on a logical level I understand it. It was the rage I saw in you; it scares me."

The physical pangs that shot through her chest at those words signified the breaking of her heart. "I would never…"

Maura smiled sadly, "I know you would never touch me like that Jane; but you abused someone who loves you, someone who saved your life. Where does all that rage come from?"

"From a place I have been trying and failing so miserably to protect you from. I'm not sure I can talk about it with you yet Maura. I want to and in time I promise I will, but it's not a good place for me to go right now." She was relieved when Maura nodded her acceptance of the situation, "Don't be angry with yourself Maur, my decisions have been my own to make. You didn't push me into anything by choosing to protect yourself the best way you knew how."

"I don't deserve you Jane." Her voice was quiet.

"Hey, what? Where is _that_ coming from?"

"I walked away from you and let you think that Cate had something to do with my decision. I'm not that insecure Jane; I have always trusted you implicitly with my heart, even with my fears you were never going to be the Jane I fell in love with again. I still knew there was enough of you alive in there to never hurt me like that."

Jane sighed, "And then I did when I kissed her."

"I had already left you by then Jane. It most certainly does not count as a betrayal and it doesn't even feel like one. I drove you to that by letting you believe I didn't trust you to protect my heart."

Jane frowned, confused by what ever it was Maura was trying to express. "So why do you think you don't deserve me? After everything I have done, why are you the one feeling undeserving?"

"Because I made a decision that should have been both of ours to make; I left you because of Paddy. After Valentina… Jane I do not know what my father is capable of and I am so afraid that he is going to go after you if we're together. So I made the decision for you. I didn't give you a say in the matter. This is why I do not deserve you." Fully aware that she was about to cry and not wanting to do it in font of Jane, Maura climbed off the couch and retreated upstairs to her bedroom, closing the door behind her.

At first Jane didn't even recognise that Maura had left her sitting alone. Her mind was racing with thoughts of Patrick Doyle and how much she hated the man for all he had done to Maura and for the hell he had put her through in prison. She felt rage begin to boil to the surface; she wanted him dead and out of their lives for good. As the fog of hatred faded she realised she had been left alone. She followed Maura up the stairs and stopped outside her door; hearing sobs she knocked softly, "Maur, can I come in?"

No answer, just more sobs. "Please Maura; I don't blame you for that okay. It's not your fault; I know you just wanna protect me. I love you okay? Please let me come in." Still no answer, but she wasn't hanging around outside the room any longer when Maura needed to be comforted. She tried the door and was thankful to find it hadn't been locked. She walked into the room and straight across to the bed to engulf Maura in her arms. "It's gonna be okay. I'm gonna sort my shit out, and then we are gonna sort Paddy out once and for all. The only people who should be dictating what happens between us, is us. Screw Paddy."

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**A/N: Soooo how's everyone doin? It's only been 13 days... sorry about that. While I have managed to write plenty of other stuff in that time, I hit a bit of a wall emotionally with this one. In the end this chapter did not at all go as I expected, but such is life. I will try really hard not to make y'all wait two weeks for the next update. Be kind or be constructive. Thank you as usual to all who read and review, follow and favourite.**


	19. Chapter 19: Confessions

**Chapter Nineteen: Confessions**

"…and the worst part was the next morning, when she came in to find me passed out on the floor. She asked me if I was wasted the night before when I asked her and I was like asked you what? Life lesson, don't propose to the woman you love while drunk. She finally had enough when I couldn't remember that." Charlie sighed and chewed on his lower lip, "Ten years ago that happened, and I've been in and out of rehab ever since."

Jane shifted uncomfortably in her seat; she really didn't understand the point of group therapy. Perhaps because she was never much of a sharer and more prone to internalising her feelings; suffice to say she felt like she was privy to more than she needed to be about the people she shared a rehabilitation facility with. She had been at the facility for one week already, and had sat in on several group sessions; she had barely spoken, but knew she was going to have to speak eventually.

"Jane, would you like to share today?" Doctor Sullivan asked with a tone that indicated that _eventually_ had arrived.

The Italian fixated on a scuff mark on her sneakers and mumbled, "I guess I should." The fact was detoxification was the easy part, given she wasn't so much dependent on alcohol every day, but rather binged to excess when she became overwhelmed. She felt overwhelmed with all eyes on her. Slowly she brought her eyes up to room level and at first focused solely on the leader of the group session; "I'm Jane, and uh, I'm an alcoholic."

While the room acknowledged that she was now speaking, Jane kept thinking about Maura. She was doing this for herself, but if she was honest that wasn't enough to make her consider enduring this discomfort. No she needed to think of Maura and being able to love her tenderly and with devotion; it was frustrating for the former detective, because she still felt powerless. She should be able to do this for herself and herself alone; she had serious concerns about her ability to maintain any recovery if she couldn't do it because she wanted to.

"God, to be honest I really want a drink right now. I'm not a sharing kind of person; I bottle stuff up too much and then when it overwhelms me I drink. A lot." Jane paused to choke down some form of emotion she didn't want to deal with and then steeled herself, she could do this; she would do this. "I used to be a cop; a detective actually and I was really damn good at what I did. I have always had a reckless streak in me; it was always about the job and helping people – even if that meant risking my own life. It just turns out I wasn't equipped to deal with the emotions I experienced when my best friend was abducted."

She paused to consider her words and gather her thoughts as her brain inundated her with flashbacks to the day she killed Leary. "No, actually… I say best friend, because at the time that's all we were; but I loved her then as much as I do today. I wasn't equipped to handle that; I thought I had lost her and would never get the chance to tell her how I felt." She looked around the group who were all paying attention dutifully; some were fidgeting, no doubt as uncomfortable as she felt on the listening end, but they were paying attention nonetheless. "I killed a man in the moment after I thought I lost her. I've done my time for that crime; but it doesn't feel like enough. He was guilty of some hideous crimes, but what right did I have to be judge, jury and executioner?" Her shoulders slumped and her eyes fell onto a spot in the middle of the circle they sat in. "No matter what she or any of the experts tell me about how culpable I really was in that moment – I killed a man."

That right there was the truth behind all her rage and frustration. She had killed a man who in her mind had never been a true threat. She could not forgive herself and if she couldn't forgive herself she couldn't imagine others to have truly been capable of forgiving her either.

"I remember that," Laurie, a skinny redhead said, "In the papers. You're that hero cop who shot herself to save her brother aren't you?"

"I'm no hero." Jane growled.

"Yeah," Charlie piped in, suddenly remembering the same news items. "You are a hero Jane. Maybe not in your own eyes; but the stuff I've read about you in the papers, man you weren't lying when you called yourself reckless."

Jane couldn't help herself, she had to chuckle at his comments. Reckless was an understatement. "So I've been told a thousand times by my Ma. I think stupid is a better description of my questionable behaviour."

Doctor Sullivan had been paying close attention to Jane and felt like she may have been on the cusp of a breakthrough, if she would only allow herself to keep talking. That said he didn't want to push her too hard too soon either, so he asked if she was comfortable continuing. "Jane, is there anything else you want to add? You've shared some tough stuff; it's perfectly okay if you feel the need to stop now."

Jane didn't acknowledge the question; instead she drew on more of her old _Badass Detective Rizzoli_ reserves and continued. "Prison changed me. I had a target on my head from the get go, being an ex cop and all." She felt it best to leave out the Paddy Doyle connection with group; she would talk to Doctor Sullivan about that in the one on one sessions. "I chose to deal with it by pushing everyone I loved away; including the woman I loved." She had made it a point also, to keep Maura's name out of it in group.

"I started fights just so I could see the beatings coming; I hardly ever fought back. Honestly it got so bad I just wanted to die and I tried several times by putting myself in the sights of inmates who didn't take kindly to bullshit. But I was lucky I guess, I had someone looking out for me." She wasn't going to mention Cate or her role either; she had to protect the woman's reputation and she just didn't trust people not to gossip.

"By the time I got out I just couldn't see up from down. My life was over; I couldn't be a cop anymore and she didn't wanna be with me; she'd moved on. That's when the drinking really started. I drank to drown my sorrows, to forget; but I never really forgot, I just passed out a lot." She sighed heavily; it was hard work regurgitating what her life had become, especially in front of people who seemed to think she was some sort of hero.

"I'm no hero." She had felt the sudden need to reiterate this fact. "Heroes don't keep secrets from the people they love; they don't use people like a drug and they sure as hell don't stand on the ledge of a building ready to jump, only to be saved by the real hero." She felt tears begin to bite at her cheeks; Cate had been her saviour in prison and in the real world and she had shoved her about and played with her emotions. "I'm nothing but a selfish asshole really. A selfish asshole with the good fortune of having two people who would do anything to keep me safe; two people I have let down time and again."

She felt weak and her breathing became laboured as she struggled to gain control of emotions. Her heart was beating faster and she had to close her eyes to try and force her body into a relaxed state. She refused to have a panic attack in front of all these people. Standing unsteadily she mumbled, "I can't do this right now," and scrambled for the safety of her room, away from all the eyes; away from the truth.

Jane kicked off her shoes and crawled under the covers of the bed and sobbed painfully. The desire to drink was incredibly strong and she was tempted to check herself out and satiate the need. She knew she had to talk to Maura about some of the things she had tried to talk about in group, and if she couldn't face strangers with all the home truths, how could she face Maura? She had become a broken shell of a human being and the harder she tried to put the pieces back together, the more she felt the need to disconnect. Detoxification was easy; quelling the desire to drink, not so much.

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**A/N: Well it wasn't 13 days, so improvement hey? As always I appreciate the reviews, reads, follows and favourites. Enjoy, and be kind or constructive thanks.**


	20. Chapter 20: Alienation

**Chapter Twenty: Alienation**

Jane smiled affably at Cate as they walked side by side towards a picnic table in the grounds of the rehabilitation facility. The wind fluttered through the leaves of the Red Oak's that towered over parts of the gardens; the atmosphere provided a sense of calm and tranquillity sorely needed.

Sliding onto the seating across from her friend Jane tapped against the wooden tabletop absently as she considered the multitude of things she wanted to talk about. Well, there were two things; firstly she wanted to hear more about Cate's life with an alcoholic father and secondly she wanted to get a message to Doyle.

The fact was she was still struggling with her desire to check out and sink back into the depths of a sturdy bottle of Irish whiskey and no matter how many sob stories she listened to from other people affected by their addiction, it just didn't hit her the way it should. People she shared the facility with had killed loved ones while drink driving, had flunked exams, had made numerous moral and personal mistakes and lost so much, but still, the words were just words.

It had occurred to her in a moment of clarity that what she needed was something personal, something real; she needed to know Cate's story, if the woman would deem her worthy of the sordid details. She hoped that maybe that would help drag her into the realm of not following in footsteps of so many alcoholics before her. She had a chance to redeem herself in the eyes of those she loved, and she was trying to grasp tightly; but she felt herself slipping.

Having sat in silence for a few minutes, Jane finally looked into Cate's eyes and said, "I'm slipping. I want to drink so bad Cate; I've come so close to checking out too many times to count now."

"But you haven't." Catherine reassured softly, very much proud of the steps Jane had taken to fix her life. "You can do this; I don't think I've known anyone stronger than you."

Jane swallowed back the urge to scoff at the stated fact; instead she chose to meet Catherine's enquiring gaze head on, "Tell me about your father."

"You already know about him Jane. He was an angry, violent drunk." There were memories trapped in the prison officer's mind that she would like to keep locked away, she wasn't at all keen to dreg them back up.

Jane nodded slowly, her dark eyes pleading. "I know. Cate, none of the stories I am hearing here are inspiring me to fight this disease. It's too impersonal. I need to hear the story of someone who matters; I need to hear yours."

Catherine ran a hand through her short hair and closed her eyes, taking the moment to picture the worst moment of her life. When she opened them again, the friendliness and compassion for her friend had been replaced with a far away look; she was clearly caught in a memory. "I remember getting home from school and he was yelling at Mom; four in the afternoon and he was already off his face hurling insults. I found them in the kitchen and straight away I knew it was bad. She already had a black eye and she was backed up against the wall…"

Jane watched as her friend choked on the emotion caught in her throat and dropped her eyes to a carving on the wooden table. She felt her own insides rumble with an impending sense of dread, and it was a very sobering feeling. She didn't want to interrupt what was clearly a painful memory, not when it was actually hitting her where she needed it to; so she just watched intently and waited for the younger woman to continue her story.

"…I was so angry; I jumped in between him and Mom and stared him down. As nasty as he was, he never hurt one of us kids, it was always just Mom. I thought it was coming under control, he appeared to have calmed down, but then Jeannie… oh God…" Catherine visibly blanched at the memory that pounded her consciousness; she had spent years trying to repress it. "When Jeannie came in the room his eyes flashed so dark and he was on top of her, absolutely wailing into her. His own damn daughter. I was frozen with fear… I shoulda stopped him Jane."

"What happened?" Jane could barely hear her own voice as she quietly asked the question for an answer she was pretty damn sure she didn't want to know.

"He beat her to a pulp." She lifted her gaze almost defiantly and stared down the visibly disturbed Italian, "She died three days later."

Suddenly the words _'You're just like him Jane'_ took on a painful new meaning. Jane swiped roughly at her eyes; she could have sworn she had tears. Her heart was racing and her head was pounding; the things she had put this woman through, she couldn't help but wonder out loud, "How the hell are you still in my life?"

Knowing exactly where Jane's thoughts had turned to Catherine offered a sad smile. "I should never have compared him to you. It's not the same; you're nothing like him."

_But I am, I drink and I lose control and bad things happen._ Suddenly her own guilt caused her open confession; "I didn't need alcohol to kill a person Cate. I killed Leary; I knew exactly what I was doing, he was no threat. I murdered him in cold blood."

"There was nothing cold blooded about what you did Jane. You thought she was dead; the love of your life… you cracked. You're only human."

"Maura holds life so reverently; I still do not understand how she could forgive me, pay for my defence…" Her voice trailed off as the tears she had fought, flowed freely down her face.

"Love you?" Catherine offered softly, knowing exactly where Jane was headed with her thoughts.

"Yeah," Jane responded gruffly, hating herself more and more. She didn't deserve the love and affection nor the kindness and consideration both the women in her life had afforded her. At least, she didn't believe she did.

"Because she loved you before and she loved you after. Jane don't let that moment define you or control you. I can't even begin to imagine how I would have reacted in the same situation. You've done your time; you really gotta let this go."

"She thinks I'm some sort of hero. I'm not a hero."

Catherine shook her head in disagreement. "No Jane, she see's you for who you are. We both do. You're potentially the most stubborn person I know, but you're loyal and loving and you would do anything for her and not many people can say that without a doubt about the person they love. She knows she is truly lucky to be loved by you; more than anything I think she is frustrated that you can't see it. She needs you, so you gotta step up now and fight those God damned demons in your head."

Jane soaked in the words for a few moments before saying dryly, "I think you missed your calling as a motivational speaker."

Catherine laughed; grateful for the releasing of some of the tension that had built in the air around them through the seriousness of their discussion and her own personal revelation. "Perhaps."

The more she thought about Maura though, the more she thought about Doyle and the stress his actions had put on her beloved. Her hands clenched into fists as her eyes darkened and her anger bubbled to the surface. "Doyle is why she broke up with me. He had Rossi killed; she's scared he will have the same done to me. God I just wanna kill the bastard."

"I would have thought if he wanted you dead, that would have happened while you were at Framingham." Catherine offered up logically, "I mean I can't pretend to have an idea about the relationship between Maura and Doyle, but I highly doubt he wants to alienate her by having you killed. At least not from the stuff you told me about."

"He alienated her before she was born. Just who he is, alienates her from him. I always thought he was protective though; but to have Rossi killed, it just doesn't make sense to me Rook." She unclenched and clenched and unclenched her fists, trying so hard to find a balanced equilibrium. "I gotta talk to him."

"No. I am not passing a message along. No way." Catherine was very firm in her decision, having already sensed what Jane was after.

"Come on, just tell O'Rourke to arrange a meeting for me. I gotta straighten this shit out so Maura will give me another chance."

"No. This is the stupidest thing I have heard come from your mouth, and I have heard and seen you do a lot of stupid shit Rizzoli." She had resorted to prison guard mode in her treatment of Jane; there was no way in hell she was going to help Jane with this crazy idea.

"Pass along the damn message Rook; or I am gonna check outta here and be done with this bullshit." It wasn't her smartest attempt at emotional blackmail, not given her target, but she didn't know what else to do or how else to get in contact with Doyle. She needed to fix this.

"Fuck you," Catherine spat bitterly as she stood from her seat. "You should know better than to try and emotionally blackmail me. If you wanna hurt yourself and lose Maura in the process go right ahead, but I am not reaching out to Doyle for you."

Jane couldn't blame her friend for being mad, she had sunken pretty low in her attempt to get help; but she shrugged and stared after Cate. "It's either you, or I light a fire under Southie until he comes looking for me."

Really? Did Jane want to get herself killed? Catherine was furious and hemmed in. She didn't know what to do so she said the stupidest thing, "Fine, I'll talk to O'Rourke."

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**A/N: And here we are again, another update for you wonderful people. As usual you have all my thanks and appreciation, and my request to be kind or constructive.**


	21. Chapter 21: Doyle

**Chapter Twenty One: Doyle.**

Maura Isles was officially over it. Years of death and being the voice for those that had often passed before their time had pushed the Chief Medical Examiner to her professional breaking point. When she most needed to be available for Jane, she had been required to perform and oversee autopsies on twelve bodies found at a serial killer's dumping site. She had been working on fumes for six straight days and she was flat out over it. She couldn't do this anymore. She had other priorities; namely Jane and her wellbeing.

She had come to a pivotal decision, but she needed to talk to Jane about it first. As such when she finally found some time to escape the office she had travelled to the rehabilitation facility to see Jane. She hadn't at all anticipated the news she received at reception. "What do you mean she checked herself out?"

"Exactly as I said ma'am, Jane Rizzoli checked herself out this morning." The receptionist said with a sad smile, having seen many people come and go during her time only to wind up right back there because they didn't complete the treatment cycle.

Maura's grip on her purse tightened as she nodded stiffly to the receptionist before turning on her heel to return to her car. As she walked she played over the last conversation she had managed to squeeze in with Jane a couple of days prior and it didn't do anything to qualm the rising fear in the pit of her stomach. Jane had been on edge, had so much as admitted she was still struggling with a desire to drink and that she wasn't sure she could fight the urge much longer. Had she lost Jane to her demons again?

Maura gripped the steering wheel tightly when she sat down in her vehicle. She sighed heavily with resignation at not knowing where to even begin to look for Jane, as she doubted the woman wanted to be found; not if she had given in to that urge. That reason alone was why she didn't drive straight to the nearest bar to see if the Italian had taken up position; she didn't believe for a second Jane would make it that easy to be found.

Reluctantly Maura pulled out her phone and called Framingham Correctional Facility. "Hello this is Doctor Maura Isles; I would like to speak with Officer Catherine Etheridge please. It's urgent."

She waited for what felt an eternity before she heard the woman she was after on the other end of the line. _"Maura, what's wrong?"_

"It's Jane. She has checked herself out of the facility and I don't even know where to begin to look."

_"__Shit. I can't believe she did that; that she is actually gonna go through with this insanity."_

Maura was perplexed. "Go through with what? What's going on?"

_"__I think she's gone to confront Doyle."_

Surely she hadn't heard correctly. "Excuse me? Did you say she has gone to confront Doyle?"

_"__She didn't tell you? Of course she didn't tell you. Well fuck Maura… she asked me to help her get in touch with him via an inmate here. It's the last thing I wanted…"_

When what she heard processed it took all the high society politeness instilled in her by her adoptive family to allow her to maintain a modicum of calm. "Why would you do that?"

_"__Because I'm stupid. Maura all I can do is tell you what I told her."_

"Please."

_"__I have no idea if this will make sense to you, but it was to meet at the headstone in the cemetery at eight this evening."_

Maura looked at her watch, it was 7:30pm and she was at least 45 minutes away. Her stomach lurched into her stomach; at least that was how it felt. She had several choice words for Cate that were quite unbecoming of a lady, and far greater concerns. "Thank you; I do know what is meant by that. Goodbye." She ended the call, she had to get to Jane before she did anything stupid and if her gut feeling was anything to go on, her beloved was very likely to do something stupid.

* * *

Dusk was beginning to make way for night as Jane stood face to face with Patrick Doyle in front of Maura Doyle's gravestone. The red sky provided enough illumination for the pair to engage in a silent stare down, with neither seemingly wanting to acknowledge the other's presence verbally.

Eventually Paddy cocked his head to the side and said, "Are we gonna stand here all day or are you gonna spit out your reason for summoning me?"

"You had Rossi killed." Jane spat out angrily, watching on as he shrugged nonplussed; "Why?"

"She disobeyed me when she went after you. I couldn't let that go unpunished, or other people might have gotten ideas about going after you and Maura." He studied her carefully; it wasn't his usual behaviour to just appear at the request of anyone. Then again, Jane wasn't just anyone; it was the woman he entrusted to protect his daughter.

Jane couldn't help the scoffing noise that escaped her lips. Sarcasm dripped from every word she spoke, "Oh gee thanks Doyle."

"I would have thought you would be happy she was dead."

"Really? Really Doyle? Because I have so enjoyed watching Maura grieve a woman who tried to murder me!" She was snarling now and pacing agitatedly. "She thinks you're gonna have me taken out next."

"Relax Rizzoli would ya? You're safe because she loves you. I might be a shit father, but I don't want her hurting. The stuff with Rossi was necessary for the protection of you both." Paddy spoke calmly, feeling somewhat amused that the former detective couldn't see the bigger picture. They had always had an understanding, Maura came first and he had never gone back on that word.

Jane stopped pacing and glared at him angrily, "So what do you call all those beatings you had sent my way in prison then Doyle?"

"Penance."

"What the hell? Penance for what Doyle?" She already knew the answer; it was because she didn't take his advice and let him take the fall for Leary's death. It was because her conscience prevented her from being in a position to care for and protect Maura for a significant chunk of time.

"You know why Rizzoli," he answered coolly.

Jane shoved her hands in the pocket of her hoodie and wrapped her fingers around the cool steel of the pistol she had procured illegally earlier in the day. Debate raged in her head about whether she was going to use it, the part of her demanding she end it all was starting to win out. Still she gritted her teeth and grinded out her defence, "It wouldn't have been a problem if you hadn't called me and told me you had him tied up waiting for me, Doyle."

"I didn't expect you to kill him Rizzoli. I underestimated the depth of your love for my daughter." For a moment his hazel eyes did flash with regret; so much of what had transpired inevitably fell back on him just because of who he was.

"She's everything," Jane whispered hoarsely.

"I know. Maybe I coulda done things differently; but what's done is done."

She pulled the pistol from her pocket and pointed it in Doyle's direction, "Get down on your knees," she growled angrily.

He held his hands up to signify he wasn't a threat, but he didn't do as directed. "Think about what you're doin' here Rizzoli. She won't forgive you for this."

Jane laughed, "Do you really think she gives a fuck about you? You've destroyed everything she holds dear." She faltered for a moment, almost lowering the weapon before regaining her composure. "You destroyed me Doyle and your punishment is due."

Staring into her darkened eyes he realised that the humanity that had always been present there had disappeared. Reluctantly he did as directed and got down on his knees. "You kill me Rizzoli; you're as good as killing her. You know that don't you?"

The free hand running through her hair was the only indicator she gave that she may have been second guessing her decision. She thought about Maura and everything she held dear; the sanctity of human life and living life the right way. She had never deserved Maura's forgiveness and in her mind she came to the conclusion there was only one way to truly free Maura from all the heartache in her life. "She doesn't need the ilk of you and me in her life anymore Doyle. She deserves a life free of all the heartache we bring her. I'm like you now and I can't live with that."

Jane pressed the muzzle of the pistol against his forehead, "She'll be happier without us."

Doyle closed his eyes and waited for the inevitable; feeling that in some ways it was fitting this was the way he went out. His eyes shot open though when he heard an all too familiar voice cry out.

"Jane, don't." Maura implored loudly as she flipped off her heels and sprinted bare footed towards her beloved and the gun she had pressed to her father's forehead.

"Stay outta this Maura, I'm gonna end this." Jane growled angrily over her shoulder.

"And then what Jane?" Maura pulled up a few steps away from the Italian and tried to reason with her, "This isn't you. You're not a murderer Jane, please don't do this."

Jane turned her head to the side so she could look at the woman she loved. "I murdered Leary. Don't tell me I'm not a murderer," she hissed angrily.

"No honey, you killed him, there is a very big difference between being a killer and a murderer." Maura could see that the irrational side of Jane was in clear control and it scared her. "Jane, please give me the gun." She stretched her hand out towards her love, hoping that she would hand the weapon over.

"All he does is hurt you Maura. I gotta end this, so you can be happy." Tears streaked Jane's face now as all the pent up emotions from her failure to protect Maura from the realities of her mob boss father surfaced.

"And then what Jane? You barely survived killing a man in the heat of the moment. You will destroy yourself if you kill in cold blood. It is not who you are." She stepped right up next to Jane and placed a calming hand on the arm that held the gun and reached over to grab it with her other hand, "Just let it go. He's not worth it; I need you Jane. Please stay with me."

Jane let go of the gun and stepped backwards, her chest heaving as she struggled to suck in enough oxygen. She watched as Maura stepped around in front of her, blocking her view from Doyle. She wanted to say something more but found she couldn't, so she focused on calming her erratic breathing.

Maura's gaze softened and several tears finally escaped, "It's going to be okay." She turned to look at her biological father and hit him with a withering stare, "Get out of here, and stay out of my life. Jane is off limits, you understand that?"

Doyle stood and nodded his acceptance of her terms, "She was always off limits Maura. Even now, I would never have her killed. I wouldn't do that to you." Knowing that he wasn't going to get any thanks or acknowledgement he turned and walked away, thankful that he lived to breathe another day.

Maura watched for a minute to make sure he was gone before turning to Jane who had collapsed onto the ground and curled up into herself. Her heart broke to see her beloved so broken; she kneeled down beside Jane and pulled her into her arms. "We're going to get through this, I promise." She placed several kisses into raven black curls and whispered, "I love you too much to lose you to this."

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**A/N: Two updates in two days, on a roll hey! I fancy we probably only have a few chapters to go now that we reached the final revelations of Doyle's actions and intentions. Anyone even remember the phone call Korsak thought about Jane answering in Payback? Now we know who it was that called her away... full circle. Still some healing to come... as usual thank you all for your reads, reviews, faves and follows.**


	22. Chapter 22: Resentment

**Chapter Twenty Two: Resentment.**

Jane had honestly believed she was all cried out, but as she stood underneath the perfectly pressured water in the master shower at Maura's she found a fresh supply of tears to be washed away by the hot spray. She went through the motions of scrubbing herself clean and washing her hair, but her mind was elsewhere, trapped in memories.

Images of her desperation to get Maura's location from Leary before ending his life melded into Patrick Doyle on his knees speaking more truth than she wanted to hear from the man. She knew he was right, if she had pulled that trigger it would have been too much for Maura to handle. But then Maura had found her, had saved her from herself and all Jane felt like was a coward. An angry, resentful coward.

_When did I lose all ability to make rational decisions? How the hell can that woman still love me? How am I supposed to look at her and believe she isn't afraid of me? God I could use a drink._

Jane held back her inclination to strike out at the wall to release the pent up frustration, instead electing to turn off the water and step out of the shower. She dried up and wandered into the bedroom where she pulled a set of Boston PD sweats from her drawer and dressed. She slumped down on the bed, debating whether to just crawl under the covers or to go downstairs and find Maura. She had no doubt the doctor would probably want her to eat something and maybe some sort of debrief, but Jane didn't have the energy for that.

It was the sound of raised voices filtering up the stairs that caused Jane to move down the stairs. It took a moment for her to realise it was Cate that was copping a barrage from Maura. She winced internally knowing that this reaction should be expected. She had basically ensured Cate would be unwelcome in her life because she used her to contact Doyle. She was about to walk into the living area when she realised the voices had quietened and instead she could hear Maura crying. She paused in her tracks and then she remembered the letter she had left before she went to confront Doyle.

_Fuck. Stupid, stupid, stupid._

Jane sucked in a deep breath and rounded the corner, pulling up short at the completely unexpected vision of Cate engulfing Maura in the biggest hug not delivered by a person named Angela Rizzoli she had ever seen. Leave it to Cate to diffuse a situation with that big heart of hers Jane mused as she stepped further into the room and coughed a little to get their attention. "Uh, guys?"

Catherine pulled away from Maura and stalked across the room to stand nose to nose with the Italian. "What the hell is wrong with you Jane?" She hissed angrily. "You tryin' to destroy that woman over there?" She waved vaguely in the direction of Maura, "You need to sit down and damn well talk to her instead of trying to deal with all this crap on your own, cause Lord knows what you've done tonight is fucked up."

Jane looked past her ex, her eyes landing on the piece of paper held tightly in Maura's hand. She sighed and closed her eyes for a moment to find equilibrium and to fight the desire to run. She swallowed hard when she opened her eyes and looked directly at the piercing pale blue of the woman directly in front of her. "You're right Rook; I need to talk to her. Hell I need to talk to you both."

Out of habit Jane made a move for the fridge and a cool beer but stopped in her tracks when she noticed the wine fridge was empty. "Um, Maur, where's all your wine?"

"Gone. It's all gone Jane. There is no alcohol in this house." Maura couldn't keep the hurt from her voice. She had made the decision to support Jane's recovery completely by removing the temptation from her home.

"Right," Jane said as she opened the fridge to pull out a bottle of water. This was going to be a lot harder than she anticipated; she put the water down on the bench. "God, what I wouldn't give for a damn drink right now."

"Jane," Maura's growl was low in warning. She was more than concerned for the psychological wellbeing of her beloved, but being confronted with what equated to a suicide note had stripped her bare. If she hadn't have made it to Jane in time she would have killed Doyle and then herself and this was almost too much for Maura to handle.

"Damnit Maura," Jane glared angrily, her self control dissipating instantly. "You shoulda let me kill Doyle."

"Really Jane?" Maura tried to keep her tone low as she waved the paper she held in front of Jane's face, "And should I have then just stood back and watched you kill yourself too?"

"Honestly?"

"Yes, Jane. Honestly."

"Yes."

Maura couldn't ignore the physical manifestation of emotional pain that shot through her stomach. She braced herself against the kitchen island and closed her eyes, focusing on her breathing. Jane was not going to like what she had to say next. "We need to sit down and really talk about things and come up with a treatment plan, or I'm going to have no choice but to commit you to a psychiatric facility."

Jane's eyes darkened with rage and she gritted her teeth trying to bite back the angry retort pushing its way from her mouth, before failing entirely. "You'd like that wouldn't you? Lock me away so you can run off and find another clone to keep you warm at night."

"Jane!" Catherine hissed in warning.

Jane whirled around to face Catherine, "And you… couldn't keep your God damned mouth shut could ya?"

While Maura could hear the anger in Jane's comments and understand why Catherine was trying to calm her down, she didn't want the prison officer to interfere. Jane had anger she needed to unleash and Maura wanted to hear it because underneath it all it helped her gain insight into Jane's insecurities and fears. "Cate, it's alright. I can handle anything Jane has to say. You should leave. Please."

"Are you sure?" Catherine looked from one woman to the other with uncertainty.

"Yes I am sure." Maura walked towards the foyer and waited for Catherine to follow. "Thank you for your concern and everything you have done for Jane, but right now I need to take responsibility."

Catherine nodded slowly, "Okay. Just let me know if you need anything." With that she turned and left the Beacon Hill home trying not to contemplate what might happen in that home once she was gone.

Maura returned to the open planned living and kitchen area to a surprising hug from Jane. In fact it wasn't so much a hug as a desperate clinging hold. Instinctually one arm wrapped around Jane's waist and the other her back as she pulled the woman more firmly against her body. She felt Jane bury her face in the crook of her neck and sob.

After several minutes of just standing there holding her beloved Maura pulled back a little, wrapped an arm around Jane's shoulders and steered her towards the couch, gently sitting her down and joining her on the couch. Maura curled her legs up beneath her so that she could sit facing Jane; as much as she wanted to comfort the woman they needed to talk. "I'm worried about you Jane."

Jane turned to look at Maura through teary eyes, "Maybe you should lock me up."

"Or you could talk to me and we can work through what we can together and look at therapy for the rest. I'm not going anywhere Jane; I am in this with you. I just need you to try, because I can't comprehend a world without you in it." Maura fought to keep her voice steady and calm and her own tears at bay. She was petrified of the thoughts that must be bouncing around in Jane's head to have brought her to the conclusions she had written down earlier that day before confronting Doyle. Yet another reason she knew she was making the right decision with regards to her career.

Jane closed her eyes, searched within for her inner well of strength, despite knowing the well was running precariously low. When she opened her eyes she gazed intently at Maura. Her mind made up, she would leave it all on the table and hope to God Maura meant it when she said she wasn't going anywhere. "I resent you; I don't want to and I hate myself for it, but I do and it is eating me up. You've done nothing but try to love me and yet all I seem to feel is resentment half the time. It's destroying me Maura."

"Resentment, noun, bitter indignation at being treated unfairly. To resent, from the obsolete French_ resintir_, re – expressing force, and sintir – feel, from the Latin _sentire_."

Jane sighed and grabbed a hold of both of Maura's hands, using her thumbs to rub soft circles into delicate skin. "No, no, listen to me please. God, why don't the right words come when I need them? I love you, I'll always love you Maura, but sometimes… I resent myself too, because I let my love for you destroy my life. I killed a man, lost the thing that defined me in the process, because of how much I love you and, God… how the hell could you forgive me for taking his life?"

"You weren't in your right mind." The words were meek, even though the intention was firm. "Given the right circumstances even the most docile of humans can be brought to killing…"

"And I was never really docile, was I Maur?" Jane shook her head softly. She knew Maura was genuine in her belief there was nothing to forgive, but had offered that forgiveness numerous times to aid in her own self forgiveness. Jane knew that if she couldn't forgive herself the resentment would only continue.

"You could have easily escaped punishment for your actions, but you Jane Rizzoli are the most honourable, justice driven person I know. You took responsibility and accepted the consequences for your actions. Why can't you forgive yourself? You need to forgive yourself Jane."

"I let you down. I put myself in a situation that prevented me from being there to take care of you. I should have taken better care of you…" she gasped for air as the tears started anew.

Despite the fact that Jane had said she resented Maura, the doctor couldn't help but focus on the right now. She tilted her head a little in thought at Jane's last words and suddenly it all started to make sense. "You're not talking about being there for me after my surgery, are you? You blame yourself for my abduction in the first place, don't you?"

The breaking of eye contact and the removal of scarred hands was more than enough to confirm Maura's suspicions. "Jane, listen to me. There was nothing you could have done…"

"I could have gone with you to that stupid function…"

"And what? They had guns Jane and there was more than one. Frankly I am glad you were not there, they would have killed you."

"They almost killed _you_." Jane's whisper was barely audible.

"But they didn't, and I am here with you. We're okay, or at least, I hope we will be." Maura reached out and tilted Jane's face towards hers, "I don't blame you for feeling resentful. I abandoned you when you needed me the most; I should have known better."

Jane jumped up from the couch and started pacing and ranting. "God Maura, you do realise none of this is actually your fault? Yeah you made some decisions that hurt me, but fuck; I put you in that position in the first place. I pushed you away because of your fucking sperm donor. I hurt _you_ by doing that and yet here I am hung up on the fact you moved on for a time; hung up on the fact that you still get to do what _you_ love; hung up on the fact that even though I am the one who made all the really shitty choices, you're the one that I have made to suffer."

"Jane, please…"

"God damnit Maura, just fucking listen to me for once?" Jane roared as she stopped pacing and stood above the doctor who flinched a little under the intensity. "I fucking resent you because you're stronger than me; you're just taking everything I throw at you and you keep coming back for more. When's it gonna stop Maura? When am I gonna stop hurting you? All I have ever wanted is to protect you and for the last five years all I have done is pull you to pieces one fucking agonising piece at a time."

"You cannot possibly resent me for loving you Jane; by definition alone…"

"Fuck the definition Maura." Jane tossed her arms up in the air angrily before nervously working the palms of her hands alternately. "After everything I have put you through, I'm still so damn angry for your logical reactions. How the hell is that fair to you?"

Maura didn't at all feel comfortable with Jane's anger, but she surmised she had been right in wanting to let her release her pent up emotions, because so much truth, as twisted and convoluted as it may have been, was being brought to the forefront of their minds. "You do not resent me Jane and I do not think you resent yourself either. You resent the turns our lives have taken; but Jane, we're here, together and I'm not going anywhere."

Jane exhaled loudly and slumped back down onto the couch, all the fight seemingly gone. "What if I can't stop drinking Maur? What if…"

"Jane, you're stronger than you give yourself credit. Besides, I think we can work things out so that you can deal with the varied emotions that are weighing you down." She paused for a moment to sort through her thoughts on the changes she wanted to occur in their lives and her life for that matter.

"I want you to move in with me permanently. We're going to be getting married; I think it's only right that we live together."

"You just wanna be able to keep an eye on me," Jane mumbled petulantly before her brain caught up with the rest of the sentence. She turned to look at Maura with wide eyes, "Wait, you said we're going to be getting married. Does that mean?"

Maura nodded slowly, "Yes Jane, I do want to marry you. You're my family and we have survived so much and I know we have work to do, but let's do it together. Please?"

Heavy emotions still swirled in her mind like storm clouds, but she could feel a teensy crack of sunshine forcing its way inside. A small smile tugged at her lips, "Yeah. I mean, yes. Is that why you got rid of your wine?"

"You're my priority Jane. I cannot be happy unless you are, so yes, the wine and all other alcohol is gone because I want a safe environment for you. Furthermore I've decided to resign my position as Chief Medical Examiner." That was one revelation she was still uncertain Jane would take well, but her mind was made up. Jane didn't need the constant reminder of the job she no longer had every time she had to leave to go to a body and she was tired of the erratic hours. She just wanted to focus on Jane and stabilising her health and their home.

"You what?" Jane's jaw hung open incredulously.

"I want to work more reasonable hours Jane and I need to be able to be here for you. I want to see you through this so we can focus on our future together."

A surprising sense of warmth flushed through Jane's body as she processed what she was being told. Normally her instincts would have caused her to become irate, but the fact was she needed Maura's care; she needed it because without it she knew she would fall down and lose it all. She smiled genuinely, "Thank you."

Maura chuckled, finally feeling some of the tension evaporate. "You might be thanking me now, but I know you're not going to like how strict I may be with you for your own good."

"No, Maura. I need help and Lord knows I have never trusted anyone with that except you. I can't promise not to be an ass about it, but I'll do whatever you think I need to do for my mental health."

"I'm glad to hear it."

"But I am not eating kale and quinoa; I'll stick with my cheeseburgers and fries thank you very much." Jane pulled Maura into a tight hug before she could object. "Shush, we know I'm all bravado and will do whatever you tell me."

Maura smiled, because she knew Jane was telling the truth.

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**A/N: Phew. So this took me a while, but it was longer than your usual chapter so hopefully that made up for it. Pretty much just one chapter to go now because we have come full circle, and I am not writing Jane's therapy sessions, there's no need. What's needed to be said has been said, and our girls have clear direction. So one more chapter... and then, maybe... Part four since I have new ideas, and family plans ;)**

**As usual thank you for reading and reviewing and favouriting and following. Please be kind or constructive.**


	23. Chapter 23: Yes I Am

**Chapter Twenty Three: Yes I Am.**

_I will stand firm in the tempest  
I will ride destiny's trail  
To believe when the truth comes up empty  
To hold and respect without fail  
Come and be one in the motion  
A desire they cannot comprehend  
Never to question again  
For I am your passion your promise your end  
Oh yes I am_

_\- Melissa Etheridge, "Yes I Am" from the album, "Yes I Am"._

* * *

_Six Months Later_

Jane Rizzoli could honestly say as she looked around the room at her closest friends and family that life had never been better. Beside her sat the strongest, kindest and most intellectual woman she knew. Not to mention stunning, the most beautiful woman she knew; the most beautiful person inside and out. She couldn't help the patented Rizzoli grin that adorned her face as she gazed lovingly into the bright hazel eyes of Maura Isles. The woman who loved her so unconditionally that after the ceremony she had been allowed to change into a Red Sox jersey for the reception. Oh yes, Jane Rizzoli knew she was the luckiest woman alive.

The wedding was a small affair, it had been mutually decided for the mental health of both women that there was no need to spend ridiculous amounts of money and invite all the cousins and acquaintances to the event. All that had ever mattered to Jane and Maura was family, and thus they now sat with those they were closest to around one long table, wide enough for Jane and Maura to head the table, while their respective friends and family filled out the sides.

Jane's family were in attendance with the exception of her father, who they had been unable to contact, but Korsak had more than happily stepped up to take on fatherly duties for the eldest Rizzoli child on her wedding day. Frankie and Tommy had stood beside her, while Tommy's son TJ had been the ring bearer for the ceremony. He had grown so much since Jane had last seen him and he was charming as ever. The family Matriarch Angela Rizzoli had mostly cried tears of joy to see her baby girl married at last, to a doctor no less.

Maura was also blessed with the attendance of her family, wanted mob boss Paddy Doyle being the obvious exception. Her sister Cailin had stood by her side during her vows and her biological mother Hope also attended, along with her adoptive parents Arthur and Constance. Arthur had walked her down the isle and it had meant so much to both Maura and her father. Susie Chang had rounded out her wedding party, quite excited to have been asked to be one of Maura's bridesmaids.

Jane took another look around the table and her eyes rested on the pale blue of the one guest that she honestly hadn't expected to be invited, yet alone attend, but then Maura was an incredibly kind and thankful woman. So naturally, she had invited Cate to the wedding, she was Jane's friend after all and in the doctor's eyes she was much more, she was the woman who had ensured Jane lived to see this moment of unadulterated happiness. Jane gave a knowing nod of thank you to Cate before returning her attention to Korsak who had decided it was time to embarrass her greatly.

Vince stood and cleared his throat loudly to get the attention of the table; once everyone's eyes were planted firmly on him he grinned and opened with the only line that made any sense to anybody who knew Jane and Maura. "I think I speak for everyone when I say, it's about damn time!"

The table erupted into laughter while Jane flushed red; she still refused to admit how blind she had been to the obviousness of her infatuation with Maura all those years ago. She glanced down at the her hand when she felt Maura give it a gentle squeeze and smiled before returning her attention to Korsak.

"In all seriousness though Janie, you truly are like a daughter to me and I am so happy to see you managed to snag yourself the doc, she's a fine woman. She brings out the best in you Rizzoli; so I hope you learn from my mistakes. Don't forget to show her how much you treasure her every damn day kid!"

Jane resisted the temptation to roll her eyes and leaned into Maura and gave her a gentle kiss on the cheek, whispering, "Always."

Jane listened as Arthur spoke a few words about his daughter and the unconditional love and support she had found in Jane and she listened as Frankie gave his goofy speech, truly touched by the love that she felt around her. More than that, it was the warmth with which Maura was being welcomed into the family, not that she hadn't already been a part of the Rizzoli family for a good ten years anyway. It was still nice to have that reaffirmation come from the day, even if Frankie had suggested to the amusement of the table that Maura was the Jane Whisperer.

They had come through so much to get to where they were and even though it wasn't necessarily customary Jane found herself standing, glancing around the room before looking down at the curious gaze of her new bride. She smiled broadly before returning her focus to the table at large. "I know you're all probably starving by now, Lord knows I am, but there are a few things I just gotta say."

She turned to the side and tugged at Maura's hand until she stood facing her. Sure what she was going to say was for everyone, but really, it was for Maura and Maura alone. There was a quote from Corinthians that had never really made much sense to her until this moment and she needed to get it out. "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

"Corinthians 13:4…"

Jane chuckled, "Of course you would know that. Anyways, I realised that you, Maura Rizzoli-Isles are the true definition of love. Lord knows you need patience to deal with me and you show the world nothing but kindness. I haven't known a more modest genius…"

Maura tilted her head sideways a little and smirked, "I am the only genius you know Jane." The table burst into a fit of laughter at the face Jane pulled at being interrupted and Maura's logical argument.

"You're not going to make this easy for me are you? Don't answer that, everyone here knows that answer." She paused while a fresh bout of laughter died down. "Six months ago I hit my lowest point, a point where nobody would have blamed you for walking away from me. No one, not even my own mother would have blamed you, but you stayed. Even when I acted like a complete jackass and threw the past at you like a weapon you just refused to participate that way. You let go all of my wrong doings and simply loved me. I'll never know how you persevered but I will be forever grateful, because you are the only place I could ever call home."

Maura melted into Jane's arms, enjoying the warmth of the strong embrace. Jane was her home too. Jane was everything. She pulled out to arms length and smiled coyly, "You, Jane Rizzoli Isles, are my passion, my promise, my end. Now, may we please eat?"

Jane gave a fake exasperated sigh, planted a tender kiss on Maura's forehead before turning around to face the rest of the table once more. "Well, you heard the woman. Let's eat!"

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**A/N: So this is where I leave you for now in this universe. There is a plan for a fourth story in this universe, but it might be a while before I get there, it will be a lot happier than this one if it does happen. Although the girls did get there in the end... Thank you all for coming on this journey with me and for sharing your thoughts. I do apologise if this chapter seems not fluffy enough or whatever, but I really do struggle with the wedding stuff... but I def needed Jane to be a little sappy at the end there. Please be kind or constructive.**


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